Update: New Year 

With the beginning of the year starting off with mercury retrograde and with my daughters first birthday. I decided to just take some time to reflect and to focus on what I want to accomplish with this blog and just this year in general. But I’m back!  And I will be doing weekly posts this year and I have a book review coming up some more crystal of week posts and some other general posts about art and spiritual aspects I’ve been experiencing. So stay tuned!! I’ll do an post probably mid week either a book review or a crystal post. ❤️ hope everyone’s year started off well. 

Something I’ve been feeling…

I want to be real tonight.

I have this problem where I compare myself to other woman a lot. I compare my journey to there’s. I get territorial. I get insecure. I’ve never had really intimate relationships with other woman – I’ve never really been around strong feminine energy and felt deeply connected. I have one friend that I have a lot in common with. But then when I went through an abortion and then pregnancy our relationship wasn’t what is could have been and now seeing her with other girl friends it makes me feel insecure sometimes and it makes me feel like I have to prove myself. Which isn’t the case. I’m learning to trust that all is well even when I’m not feeling so hot about myself all is well. I know that comparison ultimately makes me feel less than and every day I’m working on loving and trusting myself more. And knowing my worth that my place in people’s lives doesn’t have be secure – relationships change – friendships change but if I want them to change for the better then I have the ability to do so.

 

this was really a pep talk for myself.

 

Astrology 

Okay so this will probably be a continued topic on my blog. 

But I just wanted to start the conversation of astrology. So, I’ve always been into horoscopes I use this term loosely because I always was just into my sun sign and others. Recently, about a year ago I began to actually look into astrology and then suddenly there were moon signs and riding signs sand signs for every planet that rule a different part of ones personality composition. I did a few natal charts and learned about all of this quickly. 

My sun sign: Gemini. Your sun sign generally represents you. The sun stands for “I am” so it literally translates into your ego, the inner you, your essence. 

Your moon sign is “I feel” it is your emotions. It is the sign that is what others see. It’s the part that you see as well. It is your mood, your instinctual reaction to things and people. 

Your Mercury sign is “I think” basically it is the sign of communication. 

Venus is “I love” it is how you express affection and the tel of people you draw to yourself. 

And that’s as far as I’ll go since this is just an introduction and a very basic one at that. This is so broad and I’d like to talk deeper about each planet and what they mean in association to whatever zodiac sign you may have in your chart by using my own chart and personal experiences as a guide. 

The rising sign is the mask we all have when we meet others but the rising sign I think is just as important as the sun or moon signs in a chart. Because I think the rising sign is our instinctual sign which means it’s how we react first which could meant that it’s our truest reaction/form unfiltered. 

All of these planets and the signs that are in your natal chart. Make up a full graph or chart of a person charteristics but it’s important not to look at your signs all as separate entities. You are a blended version of this. We are all dual in nature. That’s how a person can be a Gemini sun and labeled as talkative and outgoing but could have a rising sign in Scorpio and be reserved and moody. It’s all a big molding and melting of all of these subtle charteristics that make up a personality. 

Personally, I am a Gemini sun, Capricorn moon and a Scorpio rising. Because of my own personality and the way I see myself I would say I am very positive and even friendly/ talkative on the outside. But my rising and moon signs most often have me feeling very reserved,unsure, and even detached from others (sometimes) on the inside. 

Astrology and birth charts are helpful in understanding how and why you feel the way you do. The way you communicate the way you love and want to be loved. And even help with the balancing out of inner and outer that so many of us crave. Knowing the “why” about the things you do,think, and feel. Is very important to understanding oneself. 

How to Remain Calm 

So, today I had a few trying situations while I was out running errands that normally would have led me to take shit personally and to start to behave in a low vibration or negative way. 

I bought these pink glasses from eyebuydirect last week and when they came I realized how pink they were and decided I didn’t like them with my skin tone. Anyway, so I went to return them today at the post office (something I’ve never done before) and was immediately thrown off by the service that was given from people being very vague in there customer service and responding to my questions. I talked to 3 different people before actually being helped. When I spoke to the woman I told her I needed to return the glasses to the sender to which she responded I get an envelope – there was no type of envelope or even what size to get. Pay attention to people who actually want to help and people who just look like they are helping. So I then was like why can’t I just mail it back in the box. I went to another person a man and asked this to which he said I could I just needed a new label. Well where are the labels? By this time I’m confused as fuck and my anxiety is starting to kick in. So I walked outside for a moment thinking f this I’ll just keep the glasses. But then I was finally like no try again. So, I went back in and a different man helped and he started off with lets see what we can do about this. Thank you!!! Finally someone who was actually willing to help. He says you need an envelope and he proceeds to go get me one! The lady next to him who I had spoken to before rudely comments I told her that. Normally I would respond to this in two ways 1. Not respond at all 2. Take it personally and cuss somebody out. Now personally the way I’ve not been allowing fear to rule me or my words I probably would’ve cussed her out. But the new and improved 2.0 and all about positivity Samantha quickly thought of my options. 

Both of these responses are wrong. One because you are allowing that person to speak negatively into your being. And because of my poor me control drama I would’ve then felt bad or as if I was wrong later in reflection. And of course cussing someone out is wrong because I would then be playing into this persons control drama and meeting it with hostility and anger. Instead my response to the the woman was just that I’d never mailed a package back before and was unsure of what to do and all I needed was a little help. She didn’t respond. 

Anyway, the man who did help me helped me fill out the label and everything and I was able to have the glasses mailed back. So, in conclusion don’t play into people. Don’t respond negatively (or not at all out of fear) instead remain calm and positive without giving the other person any control remain in your light and your own personal bubble of positivity. 

Book Review: Celestine Prophecy

When I was a kid I read a lot of books and I mean 50 books a summer type of deal. But rarely has a book changed my life if ever. 

It took me a little over a month to finish the book because I was going through so much of my own spiritual journey and processing thoughts and ideals that the book itself talked about. 

The book follows a main character who is never named but is always in first person (narrator). So that it seems like you are in the story and this is your own personal journey. The main character goes on this journey that involves these 9 insights that he and the people he meets along the way uncover together. These nine insights are really nine veils of the soul that are meant to help one become conscious of their own spirit and to evolve that sense of spirit and awareness of self. The book is action paced. And it helps to unveil  how there are no coincidences in life it also allows the reader to access that everything happens for a reason. That the very place and space you are in now serves a purpose. That the people you meet and connect with have lessons for you. 

If you are a spiritual person – want to be a spiritual person or at the beginning of your journey and confused about some things this book is for you because these nine insights are clearly explained in the book and dialogue between characters and scenes helps one to piece together things that have happened in ones own life. 

Later I will also do a brief take on what each insight means to me with examples from my own life. 

Lately I’ve been in a battle with myself this battle against my inner child. The problems of childhood springing up. Realizing how unconnected I was with myself- with the universe with my own energy. 

My living circumstances have changed and I’m living at home again. It isn’t what I wanted. It still isn’t what I want. More than anything I’d like it to be the 3 of us again living breathing eating meals together waking up together. But it’s not. And although some moments are harder than others I think in my heart I’m truely content and working towards finding a little happiness a little love more love for myself. For being a parent. For my daughter who has healed me, my inner child and helped me to realize every day that I am love. 

Being an artist has not been an easy journey or even label – definition of my life. Or whatever. I’m always worrying about if my painting is good enough or if I’m even doing “art” right. It’s a constant struggle between myself and … My anxiety. And it’s one I’ve been losing for along time. I had a minor breakthrough with it over the summer when I took watercolor. I did have anxiety but I managed to go to class everyday but once. And to do all my work and participate in all the critiques something I have never been able to do in a studio class. And the result was that I got a B. I improved a lot and I had more confidence in myself and as an artist than ever before. But now taking acrylic painting and it being a full semester my anxiety is worse than ever and I’m hating ever single painting that I do. I’ve missed class once already and a painting I have due tomorrow for a small critique I’m hating. I don’t want to show it to anyone let alone the whole class for comments. I’m scared. And I’m not afraid to admit that but what’s worse is how I’m allowing this fear to push me into fleeing instead of pushing me into working harder and pushing myself to finish to go to class even if I hate my painting and think it sucks. Being an artist is hard enough. People may not understand my message, what I’m trying to do or even like what I make. But I need to like it. I need to have my own back but I’m not sure how. I’m afraid that this semester my anxiety and my fear will win again. 

Anxiety has been controlling my life lately. Most days I’m trying not to think about my anxiety. Trying not to have thoughts about what people may think about me or if I’m doing something right. Am I cool enough. Am I being perceived the way I want to be perceived. It can get overwhelming. I started spiritually trying to “put myself back together” a few months back and even that got overwhelming I didn’t feel calm enough, unbothered enough, positive enough. 

Having a baby a lot of times I feel out of the loop. Even with myself. Im still in my 10th month I guess. Postpartum hasn’t been easy. It has been the middle ground of trying to be who I was before the baby and who I am now. In away when I had Sage I also gave birth to myself. A new woman. And I’m still working her out. Still not sure who or what I want to be. 

With my anxiety the space between who I am now who I was before and who I want to be just seems to be growing more and more. And I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure what I’m doing. But I’m trying to just take it one day at a time. 

New Moon 

Not having a period for a year then suddenly getting it back is weird. But it’s the good kind of weird like cheddar and caramel popcorn.I used to hate my cycle. I started like most girls at 13. And wasn’t really educated about the the power that is in having a cycle. Or even the importance of having a cycle at all. Who knew a women actually needed this?  I used to count the days till it was over. And I was dramatic about not being a friend to my cycle.

 Once in high school I felt so uncomfortable my cramps hurt so bad that I started crying and my mom picked me up from school. 

I never took the time to look up the magic in a cycle. The actual cycle part of an egg leaving out and not being fertilized. I still don’t know much. I’m learning though to love and research the parts of me I have shamed and neglected. To know my body from the inside. What it needs to feel good, what it needs to thrive. While my body was creating life I didn’t need a cycle. Since sage has been born though I have felt incomplete in some ways like part of me is missing and I finally realize it was this. 

Now being without it for so long. Having my cycle is like welcoming back an old friend. I really do feel balanced out. I feel lighter than I have in days, in weeks and months even. 

I just feel like my blood is leaving and love is filling in its place. My baby is growing I’m growing. I feel good. 

Chicago (with an infant) 

The flight 

Yesterday we got up at 2 left by 2:30 to get to the Atlanta airport. The baggage guy outside was rude as hell. We tried to wait in line to get a gust pass for my boyfriend to walk through security with me even though he wasn’t flying. The line was too long. My anxiety was at 100%. Sweaty palms. Sweaty everything. And anxiety sweat smells different than regular sweat. Security was bad because both my license and my military ID are expired. I had to show my credit cards and then my Medicaid card just to get through. Then I had to get patted down twice since Sage was in a wrap. Sage was looking at the lady who patted us down confused trying to figure out what was going on. My boyfriend stood outside of security watching the whole thing looking concerned hands above his head (but making me realize again why I love him so much). The train I stood up with sage, got off at C. Found my gate C21 and waited to board the plane. The whole time I was on the train I was on the phone with my boyfriend – while we waited to board still on the phone (see how concerned he was). I sat in a window seat sage looked out the window then at takeoff I put her back in the wrap and she fell asleep. My anxiety disappeared. I looked out the window and watched the sunrise. I’ve never seen colors fade into others so smoothly. Blue a little green then yellow-orange. Sage woke up about an hour in. We watched the clouds together. We landed. I called my boyfriend. No accidents. No crying. Nothing. And my anxiety today is a little less because I can, I can. I can do anything.