Woman Who Run With Wolves : Chapter 9

I’ve been reading “Woman Who Run With the Wolves” off and on since like October. I was reading the stories in chronological order (like beginning of the book to the end) but then decided that wasn’t very beneficial and chose a story that spoke to me and what I’m going through at the moment intuitively. Chapter 9 which is titled Homing: Returning to Oneself. This chapter or myth is about a seal woman who’s pelt is stolen from her by a lonely man and is tricked into marrying and staying with the man for 3 years or something like that – the woman and man have a child during this duration but the woman during this time is also drying out (she is loosing her lust and joy and wildish nature for life). In the story the seal woman asks for her seal skin back after the time has ended with the lonely man – he doesn’t give it to her saying that she would leave him and their child to be motherless and exclaims that she is a selfish woman. I feel like this narrative happens a lot in romantic relationships with woman. So, many times we are the giver the ones who give up time, dreams, work, hobbies, energy to be there for our men or children. And when a woman asks for some time for herself she is put down or deemed selfish, ungrateful, unfit. As women we are nurturer but many forget that we too need care. This myth resonated with me because as a new mother there are often times where I am not putting enough into myself- I end up feeling drained and tired more than I am excited and replenished from life.

“Among ethnic groups throughout the world, including many in the circumpolar region of West Africa, it is said that humans are not truly animated until the soul gives birth to the spirit (or child), tenders and nurses it, filling it up with strength”.

I want to touch on this passage from the book for a moment as a single mother in the US and with hiphop culture it has been seen almost as bad to be a mother if you aren’t married. And the responsibilities of a mother raising her child doesn’t change whether she’s single or married. There is this whole “baby mama” culture meant to put woman down for simply doing what our bodies were made to do (if we choose). It bums me out that in other cultures pregnancy and motherhood is more important and revered than it is in America. In many ways this chapter of Returning Home- of Returning to the self – was exactly like motherhood. I came from womb from woman just like everyone else on this planet has – and to go through pregnancy – to motherhood. I have come full circle I have returned to myself to my ancestors to the primitive instinctual body that is my soul.

Like most woman my age and younger the relationship I have with my mother is complicated it is not by any means where it should be. I used to believe that it wasn’t my job to fix my relationship with my mother and lately when I think about it I just don’t know how. I went through pregnancy basically on my own. I went and got Medicaid because my parents kicked me off their insurance. I went through all the psychological highs and lows on my own. So, when I think of my relationship with my daughter that’s when I realized how deep these wounds are and how deep the wounds are from my childhood stemming from my mother and her mother and her mothers mother. Somewhere (probably all the way back to slavery) the lineage of mothers mothering their daughters (especially in the African American community) got fragmented where daughters are teaching mothers how to love how to see how to be open after learning this all on their own. No one taught me how to love; not how to love myself or to love others. It took me awhile to forgive my mother but I know she did the best at her 25 years of age with two kids and being in the navy.

In this chapter there are lot of passages about this fragmented relationship between the mother and her daughter and these stories these myths aren’t being passed down in cultures anymore – how this form of storytelling could help these relationships if they were being passed down the lineage. It is intuition that is missing in the woman in the mother daughter dynamic relationship. It is storytelling. It is this innate nature in us to nurture and give until we are used up and dry (like the seal woman) and needing to go back to the water to the sea to be refreshed. It is the relationship from mother to daughter from woman to woman , sister to sister, friend to friend that will help us all to realize and reach our fullness.

Now I am just going to type out a few passages and quotes from the chapter that resonated with me and I hope they resonate with you to:

Every creature on Earth returns to home. It is ironic that we have made wildlife refuges for ibis, pelican, egret, wolf, crane, deer, mouse, moose, and bear, but not for ourselves in the places we live day after day. We understand that the loss of habitat is the most disastrous event that can occur to a free creature. We fervently point out how other creatures natural territories have become surrounded by cities, ranches, highways, noise, and other dissonance, as though we are not surrounded by the same, as though we are not affected also. We know that for creatures to live on, they must at least from time to time have a home place, a place where they both feel protected and free”.

” The health of the ego is often determined by how well one measures boundaries in the outer world, how strongly one’s identity is formed, how well one differentiates past, present, and future and how closely one’s perceptions coincide with consensual reality”.

“Do not fear “not knowing”.

“They know when they are overdue for home. Their bodies are in the here and now, but their minds are far, far away”.

“Where is home? is more complex ….but in some way it is an internal place somewhere in time rather than space, where a woman feels of one piece”.

In order to converse with the wild feminine, a woman must temporarily leave the world and inhabit a state of aloneness in the oldest sense of the word. Long ago the word alone was treated as two words, all one, To be all one meant to be wholly one , to be in oneness, either essentially or temporarily. That is precisely the goal of solitude, to be all one”.

This book is simply amazing. Don’t read it cover to cover pick which stories resonate with you in the time that you need to read them and read them learn from them and pass them on.



Crystal of the week: Chrysocolla 

I bought a Chrysocolla earlier this year and I must say its quickly became a favorite for me. It’s the crystal of divine feminine energy so it really has been helping me tap into old wounds from lovers and wounds from not loving myself enough. It is healing. It is refreshing. I usually sleep with it in my hand and wake up feeling very calm because it is also a stone used for anxiety (which I at times have a lot of).

Chrysocolla is a blue-green stone. It is a very calming mineral and helps aid in calming the emotions and bringing in clarity. It helps one manifest creativity, inner balance, and self awareness. Its primarily associated with the heart chakra and balances the heart while also helping one to live their truth from their heart center (this is especially good for women) but it is also associated with the throat chakra, and third eye chakra. It is a stone of wisdom (especially female wisdom) and it helps in helping one to go with their gut and to listen to their self when conflicted or confused and not be steam rolled by others.

Its calming and nurturing energy is readily felt. It also enhances psychic abilities and intuition. Alleviates feelings of anxiety and dread, replenishes the adrenal system and helps one to feel and experience more compassion. I have noticed since working with this mineral I do feel calmer, softer and more understanding of others. It is really helping me to just be and not worry or stress out so much which I love cause I’ve noticed since becoming a mom I have also became a worrier and I worry about everything which leads to stress and when stressed no ones at their best. I would say this is definitely a crystal that everyone should have in their collection if it calls to them.

We are female.

I started my cycle today seems fitting that I started the day of so many woman’s marches and the joining of females rallying together in defiance against the new term of presidency. America is ready for a revolution of sorts it is way past due. For all minority’s to come together and to demand what is right and equal for all of us living in this country. For freedom for safety for security. And the fight the power for all of this begins within each and everyone one of us that has been overlooked or marginalized in any way. 

In a society where the masculine is praised more than the feminine I have read in countless books and experienced today what it means to really really be comfortable with my body. Most woman at the start of their cycles because of work or plans already made will find their cycle as an annoyance. Even commercials on IUD’s and birth control tell you be period free. Commercials made for woman are not really for us. This is not the way feminism is supposed to feel. You should not be ashamed of cramps, or bleeding, PMS. Welcome it. Relax into it. 

Today when the cramps came I struggled at first I fought it I tried to control then I tried to ignore but as the cramps came in waves I relaxed I breathed in and out with each wave and I felt my uterus I felt what is me. I welcomed the pain and the darkness and allowed it to wash me like a warm bath. There was a moment of peace of newness. As I listened. I experienced what my body so desperately needed to show me to, feel. 

The next time you start your period do not reach for the Advil or the Midol. Do not ignore. Do not cover up your period your bleeding. Take the time to give yourself time to retreat to go inside yourself to see all the pain you have inflicted on yourself and your body when you did not love her. Forgive yourself.  Like with everything your body is coming into a new “cycle” it is being born again you should feel new to have shed. This is a time to go within to listen to be still. 


Crystal of the Week: Celestine

Celestite is the crystal of angels. It is all about your higher self and communicating with the spirits – the ancestors – and the spirit world. It is used to make connections to the angel realm and even to angels themselves. “Tradition has it that celestite has been given consciousness raising and guidance powers from the angels. Using with sincere prayer or meditation one can channel angelic wisdom and communications”.

Celestine is an excellent tool for astral travel and meditation. It helps one to block out the noise of the world and focus on the inner higher voice of intuition. It also purifies the aura of humans as well as other beings. This aids in healing relationships as well as enhancing them. From its synergistic energies of the crown and throat chakras, Celestine brings balance to thought processes and communication.

In crystal healing work, it is used for healing eye problems, mental disorders, stress and anxiety related disorders, ear problems, proper cellular order, eliminating toxins, thyroid, digestive problems and headaches.

Celestine is associated primarily with the crown and throat chakras. It is also said to perfect all the chakras, balancing and energizing to the highest level.

Celestine’s energy is gentle and soft but it also calls out to one. It is mesmerizing energy almost feminine in nature. Cool.  Calm. Collected.

Celestine is a high vibrational crystal that improves ones access to divine wisdom. Personally, when working with Celestine I always feel very calm my mental feels at ease. I feel lighter – and I feel more Intune with myself. In away there’s this divine feeling that I begin to feel when around this crystal.

When cleansing this crystal do not use water in anyway Celestine can be damaged by water.


Recently, I have been caught up in wanting. Wanting to be able to do more with my friends and hang out more – to simply throw responsibility as a mother to the side and just be. I know that this want isn’t aligned with my purpose simply because it is a want derived from seeing my friends and other women my age be able to carelessly enjoy life. In away I wanted to feel that freedom not realizing that being a mother is a whole different type of freedom. It is creation.

Its taken me awhile to truly be able to appreciate my life the way it is. To be. To flow. In a society that values reason it can be hard to tap into the feminine – the flow of life. Surrendering – giving up control and allowing myself to be is the biggest lesson I am learning this year as a mom and as an artist. There is no handbook to follow some days I wake up and  I want to start 3 new paintings, cook a full meal and be a active energized mother. Other days I want to lay on the couch all day with Sage watch LMN movies and reruns of chopped and snack all day. Neither is better than the other. How productive I am doesn’t make up the value of who I am as a person. In the beginning of motherhood I struggled a lot with balance with my needs – sages needs – my partners needs. It took a lot out of me. I never knew what would bother me or what kind of day I would have.

Aligning with yourself, with your body, your goals – dreams ( the actual dreamworld dreams) all of these things set you up to be fully okay with life – with where you are even if its not where you may want to be at the moment. To live and breathe in the present time is probably one of the hardest things to do in this age. To forgive yourself- to heal. To be open to all and any (including none) possibilities. This is freedom. And motherhood at first to me was a loss of this but freedom is a concept that has been so mistreated and taught by the ones who want to control freedom and box it in to mean one thing. Freedom is motherhood and it is also deciding not to have kids and it is anything that resonates with the higher you and makes you feel good. Sometimes when I have bummy days I have to give myself pep talks – its always go after your goals – chase this – chase that – I have to tell myself you’re not crazy  – you’re aligned and if today my soul says do nothing I wont – simple and if the next day my soul says create 5 paintings ill do that. Trust. It isn’t hard. But its been made to seem hard. I have learned to trust the flow.

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10th Insight : Book Review

Personal Opinion: this book is not as good as the Celestine Prophecy but it is still a good read.

It follows the same character (who is never named) on a journey in this valley to stop this energy harnessing experiment. It focuses on only one insight instead if nine like in the first book but for me I think the first book explained the insights in more clarity than this one insight. The 10th insight is all about the spirit world and being in tune with your ancestors and your soul group. It is all about realizing your souls purpose – the purpose you have here on earth and standing in the knowing of who you are and all your truths.

The adventure isn’t as fast paced as in the Celestine Prophecy but it is still a journey and an adventure. It did provide me personally with a lot of insight. That we are all growing souls – that no one is the enemy but is worthy and deserving of love. This doesn’t mean that some people aren’t toxic but just acknowledging that we are all put on this earth having positive intentions and that it is “FEAR” that makes some people do “bad” things.

It is about raising your vibration and your energy and staying aligned. the-tenth-insight

My Story

February 2,2015 I got an abortion. I was fresh out of an abusive relationship I was sleeping around a lot not making many connections. Living in the physical. Owning my sexuality for once not caring about numbers, or soul ties or attachment. Just simply doing and not being. I thought I felt alive.

And then I met someone who I actually liked who I wanted to be with but who wasn’t really ready for a relationship and I wasn’t either but again I was on a physical plane not really thinking. And then I was pregnant. I remember telling my roommate that my body felt different. I knew before I knew. And I wanted to keep it to myself to keep a secret. Sometimes I wish I had. Because I never gave myself time to process what being pregnant even meant or would mean tome. I remember telling him that night. Questions of is it mine. Was I sure. It was cold. It was a cold December night.

I was scared but in the beginning I was so sure I wanted to keep her. I was so sure. I took a lot of baths I sang to her. I hummed to her. I don’t know when or how the idea of an abortion came in. But it did. Listening to other people more than myself taking in everyone else’s feelings but my own. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t lean in my own understanding. And I remember the day he broke down in his moms apartment telling me he wasn’t ready that he couldn’t do it. By then I had disassociated myself. I could feel you growing. I could feel my body changing. My breasts swelling. But everything was physical. I gave in. I gave up.

It was Christmas. I sang silent night to my stomach rubbing in a dark bathroom in the tub. Cause baths have always been my sacred place. Water had always felt safe. We had went driving around the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights – I was holding my two month old niece in the backseat. On the phone. In the infatuation stage. Not taking this life energy serious. A lot of different men were still trying to get at me. I was high and giddy off the fleetness that life is at 22.

Three different trips to the clinic and I should’ve known the way we put it off until I almost couldn’t have the operation because I was too far along. It rained all three times on the way there. I know now I should’ve seen this as a sign. One time I had woke up and had ginger ale before going- you’re not supposed to eat or drink anything after a certain time before.  Girls at the clinic asked if I was sure if I wanted the baby gone. I wasn’t. 9 weeks in. And you were already making yourself known. Morning sickness and barley able to keep anything down. I had an ultrasound – I saw you.

The day of the operation. I was nervous. The guy I was with picked me up. Red car. His friend was in the car too, he dropped him off. He was high. It was dark still the sun hadn’t came up. I didn’t talk a lot the ride there. When we got there I checked in. They take you in a back room alone. You change your clothes. They put an IV in you and your body gets cold – you are given a heated blanket to keep it at bay – other woman sit with you in the dim hallway waiting for their turn. On woman asked me how old I was because I  looked so young. She asked if it was my first. She told me she had two other kids already but couldn’t afford a third. You walk into the room you get on the table people all around. By this time your thoughts are hazy. My thoughts were hazy. And then I was asleep – sleeping through not feeling anything. And then woken up feeling sick throwing up. Getting my prescription waiting for the car to come around. Feeling weak. Tripping. Needing help into the car. Forgetting how to walk. One foot in front of the other.

I slept mostly on the way back. I slept mostly for three days. In a daze. Laying in bed. I became extremely attached. I never wanted to be alone. I was angry. I was sad. I was emotionless and emotional.

I slept with a heating pad because it felt better. I still wasn’t eating a lot. I was drinking a lot. Smoking a lot. Partying. I remember one day specifically I went to the mall with my sister and niece and my sister asking me what had a spilt on my sweatshirt. I was lactating. A week after my abortion I was lactating at the mall. My body releasing the last bit I had left from being pregnant. I did my best to cover up all the “bad” feelings I had from the abortion. I cried. I wrote poems about it. But I never forgave myself. I didn’t talk about it. And my friends didn’t because I think they knew more than I did how much I was really bothered.

It took me along time to get to this point to admit to myself that I made this decision. For along time I would say to myself it was a miscarriage but it wasn’t. It took me along time to think about the reasons why I had an abortion. My conflicted relationship with my own mother – never really feeling close or understood by her. Never feeling wanted as a child. Being molested at nine. I never gave myself any real chance. I never gave my first child any real chance. I thought my parents would disown me that they wouldn’t and couldn’t love me because I felt this way already. I know my mother has had bad relationships with men but no details. I think mothers should tell their daughters about their relationship experiences. That they should tell them about love and what it has meant to them as they’ve gone through breakups.

I say this to say – I hope someone some girl one day who is scared and pregnant that I can talk to her. Hug her. Tell her everything will work out if she puts trust in herself and the universe. I hope one day I can tell my daughter about this. That we will be able to heal each other from my own experiences. For all the mothers out there talk your daughters but also really listen not only to what they say but their body language as well. I’m not saying abortions are wrong – but it was wrong for me. Opening up is my first step to healing. And I can only hope this resonates with some of you.

Thank you. IMG_4037.JPG





Citrine is a stone I was introduced to about 2 years ago by my daughters father. It was a stone I instantly gravitated towards I was pregnant and would sleep with it in my hand because it gave me a sense of everything is going to be okay. This yellowish golden sometimes with white or clear coloring is a stone associated with the solar plexus chakra which is all about self esteem, self worth, good relationships with yourself and others. It is a crystal that naturally repeals negative energy and cannot asorb it. Citrine is a bright stone not only in color but also in energy. It lights up or brings positivity to many parts of ones life who uses it. It is also often thought of as a success stone. Bringing success and prosperity to those who carry it. It is about personal power and energy but also about generosity and sharing the abundance of success or prosperity with those around you. 

It clears unwanted energy. It brings hope. It is good for protection. 

I talked about clearing energy from your stones or crystals in the selenite post which is usually done by washing your crystals in salt water or leaving your crystals in sun or moonlight for 24 hours. However, citrine doesn’t need this because it doesn’t asorb or is effected by negative energies. It can clear negative energy from the aura and I’d useful for mediation, and spiritual development. 

It enhances mental clarity and confidence. It is used to dissipate fear of being alone and unworthy of love. It brings happiness, increased creativity, and honesty. It can relieve depression, self doubt, anger, and mood swings.  

It can be used to heal traumas and heighten sensuality and sexuality so it can also help with any sexual issue one might be facing. 

Citrine is in the quartz family. And is defiently a crystal that should be in any beginners and advanced collectors of crystal collections. 

Personally, I had stopped focusing and using my citrine so much it is a stone that is easily forgotten about (to me) but doing this write up on its properties and healing properties has brought my citrine back out and functioning with me in my every day to day. 

Rose Quartz 

Rose Quartz is a dear crystal to me. I wouldn’t say it’s my favorite but it’s the crystal that I have the most experience with. I had my first rose quartz at 13 and had it all the way up till I was 22 and lost it. I even made it into an earring so it was always close to me. Anyway, rose quartz for me help me feel safe, clear, and grounded. The stone of love. Gentle not only in its pink color but in its qualities it is often a crystal that children (my daughter included) are drawn to. Rose Quartz is especially good for healing fears, phobias, trauma and abuse. It is said to also be useful F for bringing about quiet sleep. 

It is associated with the earth element and especially the astrology sign Taurus. Often called the crystal of love it is also used to open the heart chakra. It is a crystal for self-love. It has a very high energy that can add love to any situation whether intimate or platonic. 

It is used to relieve stress as well as headaches. It can also be used to ease anxiety. Because it is a stone that helps balance the emotions and bring one a sense of peace and calm. It enables one to see the good in them self as well as others. 

Personally, I sleep with my rose quartz under my pillow I have a few different rose quartz crystals. A smaller one I used to wear as a ring, a medium sized pyramid, and a yoni egg. It has helped me tremendously to open up my heart and myself to love, loving myself, forgiveness and healing. It also gives me a sense of security and protection easily making it a gentle yet strong crystal and one that every newcomer as well as crystal enthusiast should have in their collection.