On self love

I’ve already written a blog post (ill put link at bottom of this post) on the importance of rose quartz if you are into crystals or a beginner rose quartz is the way to go. It is definitely my favorite and always my go to when I’m feeling down. This past Mercury retrograde I struggle a lot with loving myself, insecurities, and self worth. I was looking at where I am now in life and weighing that as my worth. Not having graduated yet, the lack of relationships and friendships I have. Not being where I want to be (yet) with m art. And of course comparison. There were a lot of days where I was having panic attacks throwing my insecurities onto my relationships and messing them up and then feeling worse about myself. My anxiety was out of control. I was moody and taking it out on everyone when in truth the real problems I was having were from within.

I cannot stress how important it is to be kind to yourself. To be your own bestfriend. Talk to yourself. I realized quickly that I couldn’t keep covering up my insecurities with alcohol or distracting myself with TV or keeping myself busy so I didn’t have to do the real work within. I’m still doing this work. But I began doing it by:

  1. writing in my journal (which I have a post about that ill link as well)
  2. practicing yoga and when I say yoga I don’t mean the exercise. I mean deep breathing, deep stretches, calming feeling. What feels good for you and your body.
  3. drinking tea (it helps! and its so easy to do)
  4. eating only good things from nature like veggies and fruits  (I’m vegan so this was easy for me)
  5. going outside (get that vitamin D) taking walks.
  6. listening to binaural beats
  7. writing love notes to myself on my mirror with a dry erase marker

I mean the list goes on and on. Really anything that you like doing that isn’t bad for you or for anyone else is an act of selflove. Take a day, an hour, 5 minutes and do something that makes you feel good that is only for you! Take time to get to the bottom of those insecurities and heal them. Open your heart and let the love in.

Thinking about doing a short series on the 7 common chakras and also doing a series of posts on the less common ones. Leave comments below if you’d like for me to do these posts.

And as always love love love. IMG_0266

https://samanthalianablog.wordpress.com/2017/05/01/the-importance-of-journaling/

https://samanthalianablog.wordpress.com/2016/10/16/rose-quartz/

 

The Importance of Journaling

I was going to do a crystal of the week post for this week but my spirit told me to wait on it till next week and talk about the topic of journaling.

Journaling is an old practice and is one most people have done sometime in their lives. If you struggle with your emotions and understanding them (as I do at times) or if you need more clarity in your life. Mental stability eludes you or if anxiety rules your inner life in anyway – if you need a friend or help with your spiritual self then journaling is something that’s easy and would help with all these things and more.

Like most girls growing up in the early 2000’s I kept a diary telling her about my day who I was crushing on and little details that I didn’t even think were important but journaling or keeping a diary is a sure way to have time with yourself (this is important!) and it helps you to know yourself more and have a bigger sense of self and assurance.

Writing in a journal will also help to declutter your mind your thoughts and your many feelings. Its just a helpful tool to use to help process the day to day and to reflect with your inner self and deepen the relationship between yourself and yourself (the soul the spirit).

I recently began keeping a journal again and it helps me to find five minutes at the beginning of the day to set intentions and it keeps me positive. I know what I want to accomplish everyday. And also five minutes at the end of the day to go over anything in the day that made you happy or mad or sad anything that brought anxiety whatever so that you reflect on these things and get to the why’s of these things.

Deciding to keep a journal again has helped me and it centers me. It can be a type of meditation once you get into a trance and just write it all out from the subconscious. I go back sometimes and read my journal entries and I’m surprised by what I’ve written and what I struggle with from day to day. It also helps me realize how strong I am and its a clear way of seeing how I am growing emotionally and spiritually even mentally.

Ask yourself questions in your journal. “Why does this bother me?” Get to the bottom of things. Get to the bottom of your soul. You can share certain passages of your journal with others or you can choose not to. Recently, I read about writing out your sexual fantasies and how this can help with wanting to know what I desire sexually. I did this in my journal and then I shared it with my lover. This deepened our connection. So, if some relationships in your life need work write a passage to your mom take photos of it and send it. Or simply just writing out what and why the relationship isn’t strong could help with strengthening the relationship from your end.

I don’t really journal about other people though my journal is simply for me. It is about knowing and figuring out my likes/dislikes. My desires. My goals. My dreams. Who I am who I want to be and how to get to the latter. Journaling is intentional conversation with the self and it is important to talk to yourself.

So, if any of this resonates with you; the next time you’re at the store get a nice journal that you feel connected to and some pens that glide over the paper and feel good in your hand (even a pen that’s your favorite color) (or all the colors of the rainbow // writing in different colors could help you with your chakras!!) and take 5 minutes out of your day to get better acquainted with yourself and focus on the most important relationship you’ll ever have which is the relationship you have with self.

 

Baby Momma

Awhile ago I was on Instagram and someone I follow had liked a text post that went something like “Sorry ladies but a ring is supposed to come before a baby – and that woman who didn’t do it in this order were living wrongly”. It was haughty – it had an air of woman who are married first before children are better. The person who posted this justified this idea by of course quoting the bible. Things like this (as a single mother with no ring) don’t bother me. But there are a few things wrong with this outlook which is why I decided to write a post about it.

The post is only directed towards women! Of course one would blame the woman in an idea as archaic as this one because a woman can have sex with herself and conceive all on her own (loll) It also reduces a union between two people to simply…. a ring.

In the comments a lot of women were agreeing with this and its always the women who feel like they are better than “baby mommas” that will agree with a male centered idea such as this one. It is one thing to want marriage and then kids for your own life – it is another thing to try and say someone else’s path is wrong. I wish women could uplift each other more I wish women would realize that their truths are not every other woman’s.

The term “baby momma” used to really bother me. Lets be honest the phrase is usually used in a negative way but lately I’ve been thinking the phrase can be taken back like so many other degrading words and phrases are beginning to be. I cannot be shamed because I’ve had a child without being married first and neither should anyone else be. Let’s change that narrative its degrading and demeaning towards women.

Does the bible say for you to be married before you have children? Yeah. It also says a whole lot of things like do not lie or steal or disobey your parents … I’m sure there is something the bible tells us not to do that we have all done. And to be honest the whole idea that marriage needs to come before kids is a old patriarchal view meant to literally keep and control women because we are the ones who can produce life. Women do not need a ring to have children if that is what she wants then that is her truth and if she doesn’t get a ring before kids that’s okay too.

These are difficult times. Weird times. Hateful times. Lets all work on not putting each other down and spreading only love.

For all of our differences we are really all the same.

P.S.

This post isn’t meant to bash married women or women who want to be married before children. Its just meant to give some lovin to single mothers.

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We are female.

I started my cycle today seems fitting that I started the day of so many woman’s marches and the joining of females rallying together in defiance against the new term of presidency. America is ready for a revolution of sorts it is way past due. For all minority’s to come together and to demand what is right and equal for all of us living in this country. For freedom for safety for security. And the fight the power for all of this begins within each and everyone one of us that has been overlooked or marginalized in any way. 

In a society where the masculine is praised more than the feminine I have read in countless books and experienced today what it means to really really be comfortable with my body. Most woman at the start of their cycles because of work or plans already made will find their cycle as an annoyance. Even commercials on IUD’s and birth control tell you be period free. Commercials made for woman are not really for us. This is not the way feminism is supposed to feel. You should not be ashamed of cramps, or bleeding, PMS. Welcome it. Relax into it. 

Today when the cramps came I struggled at first I fought it I tried to control then I tried to ignore but as the cramps came in waves I relaxed I breathed in and out with each wave and I felt my uterus I felt what is me. I welcomed the pain and the darkness and allowed it to wash me like a warm bath. There was a moment of peace of newness. As I listened. I experienced what my body so desperately needed to show me to, feel. 

The next time you start your period do not reach for the Advil or the Midol. Do not ignore. Do not cover up your period your bleeding. Take the time to give yourself time to retreat to go inside yourself to see all the pain you have inflicted on yourself and your body when you did not love her. Forgive yourself.  Like with everything your body is coming into a new “cycle” it is being born again you should feel new to have shed. This is a time to go within to listen to be still. 

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Something I’ve been feeling…

I want to be real tonight.

I have this problem where I compare myself to other woman a lot. I compare my journey to there’s. I get territorial. I get insecure. I’ve never had really intimate relationships with other woman – I’ve never really been around strong feminine energy and felt deeply connected. I have one friend that I have a lot in common with. But then when I went through an abortion and then pregnancy our relationship wasn’t what is could have been and now seeing her with other girl friends it makes me feel insecure sometimes and it makes me feel like I have to prove myself. Which isn’t the case. I’m learning to trust that all is well even when I’m not feeling so hot about myself all is well. I know that comparison ultimately makes me feel less than and every day I’m working on loving and trusting myself more. And knowing my worth that my place in people’s lives doesn’t have be secure – relationships change – friendships change but if I want them to change for the better then I have the ability to do so.

 

this was really a pep talk for myself.

 

Confessions

Lately, I have been working on clearing out my heart chakra this has brought up past relationships into a new light. I have always been a very sensitive person – I definitely give more in relationships than I take. This isn’t  necessarily a bad thing. However, I am realizing that I’ve often moved from one romantic relationship to the next not allowing myself to fully process energy left over from sex and also just from the relationship in general.

I have not been completely single not talking to anyone etc. since I was seventeen. I’m 24. My adlolence and young adult life has been filled with so much energy that I didn’t even realize was pent up. So many negative emotions and limiting beliefs from each relationship that affect my thoughts and my conscious and subconscious beliefs about myself. These negative emotions also affect how I look at relationships and love and how I process both of these ideas.

By far my last relationship taught me the most and is continuing to teach me lessons that I am still learning. I thought it would be beneficial to myself (and hopefully would help others too) for me to talk about some of the left over energy/emotions from some of my past relationships in detail as well as my experiences from a few different men.

I’m going to start with the ex boyfriend who was the first person I had sex with. The relationship was extremely immature. We were eighteen just starting college. I instantly became attached to him. There was a feeling of loss and not being enough that I still feel to this day. This boyfriend I had was a very selfish lover. And at the time his selfishness did not bother me. He did not perform oral sex but wanted it performed on him. At the awakening of my physical sexual self this was detrimental because it made me feel as if I wasn’t worthy- or something was wrong with me. This boyfriend was also very into looks and would say things like I needed a boob job, and had girls who were more endowed than I was plastered to his dorm room walls. There was a lot of immature communication, lack of trust, lack of understanding in this relationship that I never fully cleared and never really thought of. Till this day though I am still extremely self conscious about my chest size. This relationship did teach me though in terms of what to look for and my needs in a sexual relationship and putting those needs out there to be met instead of just accepting it as what it was.  This relationship had a pregnancy scare that later added to its swift ending. This also taught me that I could be and feel more serious emotions for someone than they could for me. Which is something I still struggle with as a insecurity in terms of always feeling like I might care more than the person I am dating.

My next relationship I completely jumped the gun into. I wasn’t over my ex I hadn’t fully processed sexual energy or the attachment that can come with it. This relationship had many downs and some ups. In this relationship I believe I settled. Again I was 18 – 20 here and I wasn’t fully sexually liberated I was just starting out I didn’t really know my wants or needs in a guy or in a relationship. There wasn’t a big attraction here. But the sex was better in terms of he wasn’t a sexual lover. However, the relationship lacked depth where he was thinking of our future together I was always looking for something more – something else. I used him as a crutch because of limiting beliefs stemming from my previous relationship. There was a lot of miscommunication. A lot of negative communication here. But because of my neediness (this comes from an overactive heart chakra) my sense of loneliness allowed me to stay in a relationship I did not nor needed to be in for two years. He also had a temper which never resulted in him hitting me but hitting other things – throwing things etc. There were also instances where he would emotionally guilt me into feeling sorry for him which played on my empathy and made me tell myself it was okay to stay because he needed me. I saw many times in this relationship when I would try and have a clean break but the energy would continue to suck me back in.

Clean your energy out.

My next relationship started almost immediately after since I was talking to the guy while still in my previous relationship. This started the relationship off completely wrong. The foundation for it was never really built (none of my relationships really were solid) because it wasn’t built on trust we began our relationship while we were both already in relationships. This resulted in a lack of trust and blatant disrespect for each other. This relationship was not only mentally and emotionally abusive but also physical at times. For some reason the poor me drama in me actually never saw anything wrong with this until people started to notice it. In fact at times I thought all of these negative responses meant he actually really cared about me. Media (especially black media) rarely shows us what a healthy relationship should look like. The cursing each other out the little play fights that get a little too serious but result in lovemaking is all stuff I had seen on TV I thought this was the ideal relationship. He would put me down call me names for past sexual encounters, tell me I didn’t have any friends, tell me that he was the only one looking out for me. This pulling energy hooked me. It dominated me. It overshadowed me. It got to the point where I always felt like I was saying or doing the wrong thing. It resulted in extreme anxiety. Limiting beliefs I still struggle with, someone telling you that your art sucks and that your trash and then telling you they love you is very confusing. I began to internalize all of this. Then there was the constant ignoring me thing he would do – where he wouldn’t talk to me for weeks he’d disappear then reappear and say things like I was testing you. Or I was trying to give you what you wanted. He would constantly compare me to past girlfriends. The sex became a game it became our only form of communication. He was mad at me – sex would make it up. He was yelling at me calling me names – sex would make it up. It became about control. For him and me. Its still shocking to me that I never thought about how toxic the relationship was. It got physical a few times. He got mad he would choke me, he would slap me, he would hold me down until I convinced him I was sorry. I remember cetain things like we would be in the car and something would make him mad something I said or didn’t say because I was scared to say the wrong thing and he would pull over tell me to get out or would drag me out the car. Or times he was somad he grabbed me by the hair and pulled so hard he actually ripped my hair out.

I was blinded. I’m not sure by what or why but I was. I’ve always been the type of person that has to go through hardships to learn but I’m beginning to look back at these experiences so I can stop repeating them.

I saw all this to say protect yourself. Protect your energy.

It took me a year and a half to realize I didn’t deserve this kind of treatment and for me to finally walk away. This give and pull type of energy can be very alluring to some (it was to me) and again I believed the more he behaved this way the more he cared and it was his way of showing he loved me.

That isn’t love. None of it. I am still clearing out energy. And realizing how much I have internalized and held onto in terms of energy and manifestation of thoughts in my life. I am still finding the lessons I needed to learn from all of these men. I’ve learned what I need sexually, what I need emotionally, mentally, spiritually. What I deserve and what I don’t deserve. I’ve grounded myself in myself because of these experiences. It wasn’t always easy. I began to close myself off from my emotions. I began to not listen to myself or my intuition instead listening to what these men told me and treating myself and my feelings with the same disregard as they did. For along time I was detached and cold and would not allow myself to feel because I had felt so many negative emotions (closed heart chakra) my relationship with myself is one I am still working on. My heart chakra some days is still close off and that scares me.

I’m learning my emotions all over again. Listening to them listening to myself. I am working on self healing. Using crystals, meditation, being conscious of my thoughts, practicing yoga. Realizing that I am love and do not need anyone else’s love. I still deal with the hurt, doubt and limiting beliefs but hopefully this will help me to begin to heal some of these things through testimony.

What have you learned from past relationships? How do you clear out energy and heal yourself once a relationship doesn’t serve you anymore?

Lets talk!

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