On dreams and self

Recently, after this very hard Mercury Retrograde of trying times. I decided to take my dreams more seriously. I have been using my crystals more specifically my rose quartz (because this retrograde kicked my ass in the selflove  department I was feeling very insecure and downright depressed) and my spirit (or cactus) quartz which have been helping me immensely with silencing my negative thoughts my fear based thoughts and I have been feeling like I live in a fucking cloud of love since the end of this retrograde. I am sure we are all happy that mercury has gone direct (especially my  fellow gemini’s since we are ruled by mercury and I always feel like mercury retrogrades kick our asses). So, in terms of my dreams I have been painting more, drawing more, writing more, I began a poetry manuscript last week cause I thought why the hell not – I’ve been writing poems for years lets just go for it and try and self publish a book by the end of the year. I’ve been feeling more like me.

Anyway, so I wanted to take this time to say. That YOU yes YOU and are filled with infinite love. Your purpose, my purpose everyone’s purpose leads back to love. If anyone needs encouragement to go after their dreams this is it. Do it. It doesn’t matter how crazy or far out there it is (unless your dreams are to hurt others) then go do it. Don’t let your fear crazed negative thoughts win. I myself suffer from anxiety I am my worst critic. I beat myself up. I makeup crazy scenarios I keep myself down at times it got to the point where at the end of this retrograde I had enough and so no more. I told my mind look we’re in this together. We became friends and I’m holding it accountable for all the negative thoughts that come my way by stopping them before they can settle in.

Loving yourself isn’t something that will happen over night. So, get ready for some hard work. Some tearful afternoons and a lot of pep talks. Where you are right now is beautiful. I read this thing and it said “you can be a masterpiece and a work in progress” and it spoke volumes. Lets all love ourselves a little harder go after our dreams and love strangers harder too it is trying times everyone just deserves love and kindness.

love love love.

The Importance of Journaling

I was going to do a crystal of the week post for this week but my spirit told me to wait on it till next week and talk about the topic of journaling.

Journaling is an old practice and is one most people have done sometime in their lives. If you struggle with your emotions and understanding them (as I do at times) or if you need more clarity in your life. Mental stability eludes you or if anxiety rules your inner life in anyway – if you need a friend or help with your spiritual self then journaling is something that’s easy and would help with all these things and more.

Like most girls growing up in the early 2000’s I kept a diary telling her about my day who I was crushing on and little details that I didn’t even think were important but journaling or keeping a diary is a sure way to have time with yourself (this is important!) and it helps you to know yourself more and have a bigger sense of self and assurance.

Writing in a journal will also help to declutter your mind your thoughts and your many feelings. Its just a helpful tool to use to help process the day to day and to reflect with your inner self and deepen the relationship between yourself and yourself (the soul the spirit).

I recently began keeping a journal again and it helps me to find five minutes at the beginning of the day to set intentions and it keeps me positive. I know what I want to accomplish everyday. And also five minutes at the end of the day to go over anything in the day that made you happy or mad or sad anything that brought anxiety whatever so that you reflect on these things and get to the why’s of these things.

Deciding to keep a journal again has helped me and it centers me. It can be a type of meditation once you get into a trance and just write it all out from the subconscious. I go back sometimes and read my journal entries and I’m surprised by what I’ve written and what I struggle with from day to day. It also helps me realize how strong I am and its a clear way of seeing how I am growing emotionally and spiritually even mentally.

Ask yourself questions in your journal. “Why does this bother me?” Get to the bottom of things. Get to the bottom of your soul. You can share certain passages of your journal with others or you can choose not to. Recently, I read about writing out your sexual fantasies and how this can help with wanting to know what I desire sexually. I did this in my journal and then I shared it with my lover. This deepened our connection. So, if some relationships in your life need work write a passage to your mom take photos of it and send it. Or simply just writing out what and why the relationship isn’t strong could help with strengthening the relationship from your end.

I don’t really journal about other people though my journal is simply for me. It is about knowing and figuring out my likes/dislikes. My desires. My goals. My dreams. Who I am who I want to be and how to get to the latter. Journaling is intentional conversation with the self and it is important to talk to yourself.

So, if any of this resonates with you; the next time you’re at the store get a nice journal that you feel connected to and some pens that glide over the paper and feel good in your hand (even a pen that’s your favorite color) (or all the colors of the rainbow // writing in different colors could help you with your chakras!!) and take 5 minutes out of your day to get better acquainted with yourself and focus on the most important relationship you’ll ever have which is the relationship you have with self.

 

Baby Momma

Awhile ago I was on Instagram and someone I follow had liked a text post that went something like “Sorry ladies but a ring is supposed to come before a baby – and that woman who didn’t do it in this order were living wrongly”. It was haughty – it had an air of woman who are married first before children are better. The person who posted this justified this idea by of course quoting the bible. Things like this (as a single mother with no ring) don’t bother me. But there are a few things wrong with this outlook which is why I decided to write a post about it.

The post is only directed towards women! Of course one would blame the woman in an idea as archaic as this one because a woman can have sex with herself and conceive all on her own (loll) It also reduces a union between two people to simply…. a ring.

In the comments a lot of women were agreeing with this and its always the women who feel like they are better than “baby mommas” that will agree with a male centered idea such as this one. It is one thing to want marriage and then kids for your own life – it is another thing to try and say someone else’s path is wrong. I wish women could uplift each other more I wish women would realize that their truths are not every other woman’s.

The term “baby momma” used to really bother me. Lets be honest the phrase is usually used in a negative way but lately I’ve been thinking the phrase can be taken back like so many other degrading words and phrases are beginning to be. I cannot be shamed because I’ve had a child without being married first and neither should anyone else be. Let’s change that narrative its degrading and demeaning towards women.

Does the bible say for you to be married before you have children? Yeah. It also says a whole lot of things like do not lie or steal or disobey your parents … I’m sure there is something the bible tells us not to do that we have all done. And to be honest the whole idea that marriage needs to come before kids is a old patriarchal view meant to literally keep and control women because we are the ones who can produce life. Women do not need a ring to have children if that is what she wants then that is her truth and if she doesn’t get a ring before kids that’s okay too.

These are difficult times. Weird times. Hateful times. Lets all work on not putting each other down and spreading only love.

For all of our differences we are really all the same.

P.S.

This post isn’t meant to bash married women or women who want to be married before children. Its just meant to give some lovin to single mothers.

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Natural Dyeing

Recently, I thought it would be a good idea to naturally dye the canvases that I paint on. I did some test strips earlier this month using avocado pits and the skins to get a nice pink – peach color. I think canvases and weaving and natural dying is something that is dear to me because its surreal to think that our ancestors use to do everything the natural way. Natural dying is from the earth. It’s like making something with mother natures help. So, I have done a little natural dying a wanted to share the directions on how to natural dye with avocado pits and share some photos of the results!

So, first thing needed is 3-5 FRESH avocado pits. The first time I dyed with avocado pits two of my pits were 3 days old and the color wasn’t as vibrant as the second dying. Whatever material that you will be dying needs to soak overnight in warm water and a mild detergent to break down the fibers in the material. The next day get a large pot and bring water (enough to cover material) to a boil. Add in avocado pits and skins (if you want to use the skins as well) and bring to a simmer. The water should take 15-20 minutes to begin to change to pink but if it takes longer be patient. While this is happening your materials can be submerged in the water. Leave materials in water mixture overnight (I left mine for two nights) then the next day rinse materials and wash if desired with mild detergent.

 

The first two photos are the test strips that I did while the last photo is of a larger canvas that was done and just some of the detailing you can get with the dying. Processed with VSCO with kk1 preset

And the final canvas I dyed. These canvases were a cream colored duck canvas material so if using a lighter fabric and a white fabric the color could be more intense.

If you have any questions let me know!

 

We are female.

I started my cycle today seems fitting that I started the day of so many woman’s marches and the joining of females rallying together in defiance against the new term of presidency. America is ready for a revolution of sorts it is way past due. For all minority’s to come together and to demand what is right and equal for all of us living in this country. For freedom for safety for security. And the fight the power for all of this begins within each and everyone one of us that has been overlooked or marginalized in any way. 

In a society where the masculine is praised more than the feminine I have read in countless books and experienced today what it means to really really be comfortable with my body. Most woman at the start of their cycles because of work or plans already made will find their cycle as an annoyance. Even commercials on IUD’s and birth control tell you be period free. Commercials made for woman are not really for us. This is not the way feminism is supposed to feel. You should not be ashamed of cramps, or bleeding, PMS. Welcome it. Relax into it. 

Today when the cramps came I struggled at first I fought it I tried to control then I tried to ignore but as the cramps came in waves I relaxed I breathed in and out with each wave and I felt my uterus I felt what is me. I welcomed the pain and the darkness and allowed it to wash me like a warm bath. There was a moment of peace of newness. As I listened. I experienced what my body so desperately needed to show me to, feel. 

The next time you start your period do not reach for the Advil or the Midol. Do not ignore. Do not cover up your period your bleeding. Take the time to give yourself time to retreat to go inside yourself to see all the pain you have inflicted on yourself and your body when you did not love her. Forgive yourself.  Like with everything your body is coming into a new “cycle” it is being born again you should feel new to have shed. This is a time to go within to listen to be still. 

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Lavender

Lavender is a flower, plant, scent, herb I’ve been obsessing about lately. I have a oil diffuser and I am constantly dropping lavender oil in it – turning it on and just allowing the whole room to be purified by its smell. When I meditate or practice yoga I spray my mat with lavender I rub cotton balls soaked in lavender oil on my face and it is instant feeling of relaxation. I also wear lavender perfume. I drink lavender kombucha I have lavender scented nail polish. Its safe to say it is my go to scent.

Lavender also has some pretty important medicinal and herbal uses. It is associated with the third eye chakra and facilitates in opening the chakra and balancing it. Lavender is used to help dissolve anxiety, treats insomnia, migraines, it also helps with menopause. It is used in teas, lotions, and tinctures. Its relaxing properties are used for more restful sleep. Its soothes sunburn as well as other burns.

Lavender in the spiritual sense is very much a yin (feminine) smell and helps aid in turning inward and increase of awareness. It is used for spiritual healing, tranquility, higher consciousness (3rd eye or crown chakra), release of energy blockages, promotes calmness, and purification.

Lavender awakens you to your true spiritual essence. It gradually aligns and integrates all of your physical and subtle aspects. With improved alignment, energetic blockages are released, life energy moves more freely, and every part of your being becomes more receptive to the influence of Spirit. As energy flows are corrected, old issues rise to the surface for resolution, and confusing symptoms often disappear. Lavender fosters awareness of your inner dimensions as it helps you become a greater vessel for Spirit.

Personally, lavender does relax and calm me. It also helps with my anxiety. Chamomile lavender tea always helps me to relax and for someone who is an air sign and water dominant my emotions and feelings can throw me 20 different places in a day – lavender has become a staple in my spirituality as well as my health. The color lavender is also a very calming color and behaves very much like the lavender plant aiding in ones spiritual development. So, go out buy a lavender plant, amethyst crystal, lavender oil, or nail polish to paint your nails. These are easy ways to infuse your life with lavender and begin to get in touch with your higher more intuitive self.

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My Story

February 2,2015 I got an abortion. I was fresh out of an abusive relationship I was sleeping around a lot not making many connections. Living in the physical. Owning my sexuality for once not caring about numbers, or soul ties or attachment. Just simply doing and not being. I thought I felt alive.

And then I met someone who I actually liked who I wanted to be with but who wasn’t really ready for a relationship and I wasn’t either but again I was on a physical plane not really thinking. And then I was pregnant. I remember telling my roommate that my body felt different. I knew before I knew. And I wanted to keep it to myself to keep a secret. Sometimes I wish I had. Because I never gave myself time to process what being pregnant even meant or would mean tome. I remember telling him that night. Questions of is it mine. Was I sure. It was cold. It was a cold December night.

I was scared but in the beginning I was so sure I wanted to keep her. I was so sure. I took a lot of baths I sang to her. I hummed to her. I don’t know when or how the idea of an abortion came in. But it did. Listening to other people more than myself taking in everyone else’s feelings but my own. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t lean in my own understanding. And I remember the day he broke down in his moms apartment telling me he wasn’t ready that he couldn’t do it. By then I had disassociated myself. I could feel you growing. I could feel my body changing. My breasts swelling. But everything was physical. I gave in. I gave up.

It was Christmas. I sang silent night to my stomach rubbing in a dark bathroom in the tub. Cause baths have always been my sacred place. Water had always felt safe. We had went driving around the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights – I was holding my two month old niece in the backseat. On the phone. In the infatuation stage. Not taking this life energy serious. A lot of different men were still trying to get at me. I was high and giddy off the fleetness that life is at 22.

Three different trips to the clinic and I should’ve known the way we put it off until I almost couldn’t have the operation because I was too far along. It rained all three times on the way there. I know now I should’ve seen this as a sign. One time I had woke up and had ginger ale before going- you’re not supposed to eat or drink anything after a certain time before.  Girls at the clinic asked if I was sure if I wanted the baby gone. I wasn’t. 9 weeks in. And you were already making yourself known. Morning sickness and barley able to keep anything down. I had an ultrasound – I saw you.

The day of the operation. I was nervous. The guy I was with picked me up. Red car. His friend was in the car too, he dropped him off. He was high. It was dark still the sun hadn’t came up. I didn’t talk a lot the ride there. When we got there I checked in. They take you in a back room alone. You change your clothes. They put an IV in you and your body gets cold – you are given a heated blanket to keep it at bay – other woman sit with you in the dim hallway waiting for their turn. On woman asked me how old I was because I  looked so young. She asked if it was my first. She told me she had two other kids already but couldn’t afford a third. You walk into the room you get on the table people all around. By this time your thoughts are hazy. My thoughts were hazy. And then I was asleep – sleeping through not feeling anything. And then woken up feeling sick throwing up. Getting my prescription waiting for the car to come around. Feeling weak. Tripping. Needing help into the car. Forgetting how to walk. One foot in front of the other.

I slept mostly on the way back. I slept mostly for three days. In a daze. Laying in bed. I became extremely attached. I never wanted to be alone. I was angry. I was sad. I was emotionless and emotional.

I slept with a heating pad because it felt better. I still wasn’t eating a lot. I was drinking a lot. Smoking a lot. Partying. I remember one day specifically I went to the mall with my sister and niece and my sister asking me what had a spilt on my sweatshirt. I was lactating. A week after my abortion I was lactating at the mall. My body releasing the last bit I had left from being pregnant. I did my best to cover up all the “bad” feelings I had from the abortion. I cried. I wrote poems about it. But I never forgave myself. I didn’t talk about it. And my friends didn’t because I think they knew more than I did how much I was really bothered.

It took me along time to get to this point to admit to myself that I made this decision. For along time I would say to myself it was a miscarriage but it wasn’t. It took me along time to think about the reasons why I had an abortion. My conflicted relationship with my own mother – never really feeling close or understood by her. Never feeling wanted as a child. Being molested at nine. I never gave myself any real chance. I never gave my first child any real chance. I thought my parents would disown me that they wouldn’t and couldn’t love me because I felt this way already. I know my mother has had bad relationships with men but no details. I think mothers should tell their daughters about their relationship experiences. That they should tell them about love and what it has meant to them as they’ve gone through breakups.

I say this to say – I hope someone some girl one day who is scared and pregnant that I can talk to her. Hug her. Tell her everything will work out if she puts trust in herself and the universe. I hope one day I can tell my daughter about this. That we will be able to heal each other from my own experiences. For all the mothers out there talk your daughters but also really listen not only to what they say but their body language as well. I’m not saying abortions are wrong – but it was wrong for me. Opening up is my first step to healing. And I can only hope this resonates with some of you.

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November 9, 2016 

The past two days I have been completely calm so when I woke up at 5 am this morning feeling super anxious I knew trump had won before I even looked at msn or social media. After I worked through my feelings of being anxious and even a little scared. I was not sad. In fact I felt a sense of strength, of unity. I felt a rising. A sense of pride. Now more than ever we all need to follow love. Follow intuition and follow our hearts. Meditate. Listen to your spirit and do what is needed to come together as one. Do not live in fear. Do not give into fear. Stay aligned with yourself. Know that the universe always has a reason always has a plan and we will all be okay. 
Peace and light 

Confessions

Lately, I have been working on clearing out my heart chakra this has brought up past relationships into a new light. I have always been a very sensitive person – I definitely give more in relationships than I take. This isn’t  necessarily a bad thing. However, I am realizing that I’ve often moved from one romantic relationship to the next not allowing myself to fully process energy left over from sex and also just from the relationship in general.

I have not been completely single not talking to anyone etc. since I was seventeen. I’m 24. My adlolence and young adult life has been filled with so much energy that I didn’t even realize was pent up. So many negative emotions and limiting beliefs from each relationship that affect my thoughts and my conscious and subconscious beliefs about myself. These negative emotions also affect how I look at relationships and love and how I process both of these ideas.

By far my last relationship taught me the most and is continuing to teach me lessons that I am still learning. I thought it would be beneficial to myself (and hopefully would help others too) for me to talk about some of the left over energy/emotions from some of my past relationships in detail as well as my experiences from a few different men.

I’m going to start with the ex boyfriend who was the first person I had sex with. The relationship was extremely immature. We were eighteen just starting college. I instantly became attached to him. There was a feeling of loss and not being enough that I still feel to this day. This boyfriend I had was a very selfish lover. And at the time his selfishness did not bother me. He did not perform oral sex but wanted it performed on him. At the awakening of my physical sexual self this was detrimental because it made me feel as if I wasn’t worthy- or something was wrong with me. This boyfriend was also very into looks and would say things like I needed a boob job, and had girls who were more endowed than I was plastered to his dorm room walls. There was a lot of immature communication, lack of trust, lack of understanding in this relationship that I never fully cleared and never really thought of. Till this day though I am still extremely self conscious about my chest size. This relationship did teach me though in terms of what to look for and my needs in a sexual relationship and putting those needs out there to be met instead of just accepting it as what it was.  This relationship had a pregnancy scare that later added to its swift ending. This also taught me that I could be and feel more serious emotions for someone than they could for me. Which is something I still struggle with as a insecurity in terms of always feeling like I might care more than the person I am dating.

My next relationship I completely jumped the gun into. I wasn’t over my ex I hadn’t fully processed sexual energy or the attachment that can come with it. This relationship had many downs and some ups. In this relationship I believe I settled. Again I was 18 – 20 here and I wasn’t fully sexually liberated I was just starting out I didn’t really know my wants or needs in a guy or in a relationship. There wasn’t a big attraction here. But the sex was better in terms of he wasn’t a sexual lover. However, the relationship lacked depth where he was thinking of our future together I was always looking for something more – something else. I used him as a crutch because of limiting beliefs stemming from my previous relationship. There was a lot of miscommunication. A lot of negative communication here. But because of my neediness (this comes from an overactive heart chakra) my sense of loneliness allowed me to stay in a relationship I did not nor needed to be in for two years. He also had a temper which never resulted in him hitting me but hitting other things – throwing things etc. There were also instances where he would emotionally guilt me into feeling sorry for him which played on my empathy and made me tell myself it was okay to stay because he needed me. I saw many times in this relationship when I would try and have a clean break but the energy would continue to suck me back in.

Clean your energy out.

My next relationship started almost immediately after since I was talking to the guy while still in my previous relationship. This started the relationship off completely wrong. The foundation for it was never really built (none of my relationships really were solid) because it wasn’t built on trust we began our relationship while we were both already in relationships. This resulted in a lack of trust and blatant disrespect for each other. This relationship was not only mentally and emotionally abusive but also physical at times. For some reason the poor me drama in me actually never saw anything wrong with this until people started to notice it. In fact at times I thought all of these negative responses meant he actually really cared about me. Media (especially black media) rarely shows us what a healthy relationship should look like. The cursing each other out the little play fights that get a little too serious but result in lovemaking is all stuff I had seen on TV I thought this was the ideal relationship. He would put me down call me names for past sexual encounters, tell me I didn’t have any friends, tell me that he was the only one looking out for me. This pulling energy hooked me. It dominated me. It overshadowed me. It got to the point where I always felt like I was saying or doing the wrong thing. It resulted in extreme anxiety. Limiting beliefs I still struggle with, someone telling you that your art sucks and that your trash and then telling you they love you is very confusing. I began to internalize all of this. Then there was the constant ignoring me thing he would do – where he wouldn’t talk to me for weeks he’d disappear then reappear and say things like I was testing you. Or I was trying to give you what you wanted. He would constantly compare me to past girlfriends. The sex became a game it became our only form of communication. He was mad at me – sex would make it up. He was yelling at me calling me names – sex would make it up. It became about control. For him and me. Its still shocking to me that I never thought about how toxic the relationship was. It got physical a few times. He got mad he would choke me, he would slap me, he would hold me down until I convinced him I was sorry. I remember cetain things like we would be in the car and something would make him mad something I said or didn’t say because I was scared to say the wrong thing and he would pull over tell me to get out or would drag me out the car. Or times he was somad he grabbed me by the hair and pulled so hard he actually ripped my hair out.

I was blinded. I’m not sure by what or why but I was. I’ve always been the type of person that has to go through hardships to learn but I’m beginning to look back at these experiences so I can stop repeating them.

I saw all this to say protect yourself. Protect your energy.

It took me a year and a half to realize I didn’t deserve this kind of treatment and for me to finally walk away. This give and pull type of energy can be very alluring to some (it was to me) and again I believed the more he behaved this way the more he cared and it was his way of showing he loved me.

That isn’t love. None of it. I am still clearing out energy. And realizing how much I have internalized and held onto in terms of energy and manifestation of thoughts in my life. I am still finding the lessons I needed to learn from all of these men. I’ve learned what I need sexually, what I need emotionally, mentally, spiritually. What I deserve and what I don’t deserve. I’ve grounded myself in myself because of these experiences. It wasn’t always easy. I began to close myself off from my emotions. I began to not listen to myself or my intuition instead listening to what these men told me and treating myself and my feelings with the same disregard as they did. For along time I was detached and cold and would not allow myself to feel because I had felt so many negative emotions (closed heart chakra) my relationship with myself is one I am still working on. My heart chakra some days is still close off and that scares me.

I’m learning my emotions all over again. Listening to them listening to myself. I am working on self healing. Using crystals, meditation, being conscious of my thoughts, practicing yoga. Realizing that I am love and do not need anyone else’s love. I still deal with the hurt, doubt and limiting beliefs but hopefully this will help me to begin to heal some of these things through testimony.

What have you learned from past relationships? How do you clear out energy and heal yourself once a relationship doesn’t serve you anymore?

Lets talk!

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Mercury Signs

The planet Mercury is the planet of intelligence and communication. Essentially it is ” I think” it is how one retains information. How one learns. How one communicates with others and how they need to be communicated with. It deals with our rational, perception, memory, speaking and writing. It is the way you see and hear and understand information. It also deals with memory. It relates to the cat like or child like curiosity that one has as well as the nervous system. Postive signs in Mercury would be ones like Gemini which ruling sign is the Mercury planet negative or opposite would be more like Cancer or Pisces. Postive traits associated with this planet are persuasiveness, charming, good speaking skills, public speaking, sharp, quick minded. While more negative traits would be restlessness, timid, critical, argumentative, sly, cunning even manipulative. Overall whichever sign you have in your planet Mercury will help you to be able to know how you personally communicate so you can communicate better with others and communicate better with yourself. If your Mercury sign is strong it will be seen in the more positive traits and a intellectual mind.