Recently, I have been caught up in wanting. Wanting to be able to do more with my friends and hang out more – to simply throw responsibility as a mother to the side and just be. I know that this want isn’t aligned with my purpose simply because it is a want derived from seeing my friends and other women my age be able to carelessly enjoy life. In away I wanted to feel that freedom not realizing that being a mother is a whole different type of freedom. It is creation.
Its taken me awhile to truly be able to appreciate my life the way it is. To be. To flow. In a society that values reason it can be hard to tap into the feminine – the flow of life. Surrendering – giving up control and allowing myself to be is the biggest lesson I am learning this year as a mom and as an artist. There is no handbook to follow some days I wake up and I want to start 3 new paintings, cook a full meal and be a active energized mother. Other days I want to lay on the couch all day with Sage watch LMN movies and reruns of chopped and snack all day. Neither is better than the other. How productive I am doesn’t make up the value of who I am as a person. In the beginning of motherhood I struggled a lot with balance with my needs – sages needs – my partners needs. It took a lot out of me. I never knew what would bother me or what kind of day I would have.
Aligning with yourself, with your body, your goals – dreams ( the actual dreamworld dreams) all of these things set you up to be fully okay with life – with where you are even if its not where you may want to be at the moment. To live and breathe in the present time is probably one of the hardest things to do in this age. To forgive yourself- to heal. To be open to all and any (including none) possibilities. This is freedom. And motherhood at first to me was a loss of this but freedom is a concept that has been so mistreated and taught by the ones who want to control freedom and box it in to mean one thing. Freedom is motherhood and it is also deciding not to have kids and it is anything that resonates with the higher you and makes you feel good. Sometimes when I have bummy days I have to give myself pep talks – its always go after your goals – chase this – chase that – I have to tell myself you’re not crazy – you’re aligned and if today my soul says do nothing I wont – simple and if the next day my soul says create 5 paintings ill do that. Trust. It isn’t hard. But its been made to seem hard. I have learned to trust the flow.