Confessions

Lately, I have been working on clearing out my heart chakra this has brought up past relationships into a new light. I have always been a very sensitive person – I definitely give more in relationships than I take. This isn’t  necessarily a bad thing. However, I am realizing that I’ve often moved from one romantic relationship to the next not allowing myself to fully process energy left over from sex and also just from the relationship in general.

I have not been completely single not talking to anyone etc. since I was seventeen. I’m 24. My adlolence and young adult life has been filled with so much energy that I didn’t even realize was pent up. So many negative emotions and limiting beliefs from each relationship that affect my thoughts and my conscious and subconscious beliefs about myself. These negative emotions also affect how I look at relationships and love and how I process both of these ideas.

By far my last relationship taught me the most and is continuing to teach me lessons that I am still learning. I thought it would be beneficial to myself (and hopefully would help others too) for me to talk about some of the left over energy/emotions from some of my past relationships in detail as well as my experiences from a few different men.

I’m going to start with the ex boyfriend who was the first person I had sex with. The relationship was extremely immature. We were eighteen just starting college. I instantly became attached to him. There was a feeling of loss and not being enough that I still feel to this day. This boyfriend I had was a very selfish lover. And at the time his selfishness did not bother me. He did not perform oral sex but wanted it performed on him. At the awakening of my physical sexual self this was detrimental because it made me feel as if I wasn’t worthy- or something was wrong with me. This boyfriend was also very into looks and would say things like I needed a boob job, and had girls who were more endowed than I was plastered to his dorm room walls. There was a lot of immature communication, lack of trust, lack of understanding in this relationship that I never fully cleared and never really thought of. Till this day though I am still extremely self conscious about my chest size. This relationship did teach me though in terms of what to look for and my needs in a sexual relationship and putting those needs out there to be met instead of just accepting it as what it was.  This relationship had a pregnancy scare that later added to its swift ending. This also taught me that I could be and feel more serious emotions for someone than they could for me. Which is something I still struggle with as a insecurity in terms of always feeling like I might care more than the person I am dating.

My next relationship I completely jumped the gun into. I wasn’t over my ex I hadn’t fully processed sexual energy or the attachment that can come with it. This relationship had many downs and some ups. In this relationship I believe I settled. Again I was 18 – 20 here and I wasn’t fully sexually liberated I was just starting out I didn’t really know my wants or needs in a guy or in a relationship. There wasn’t a big attraction here. But the sex was better in terms of he wasn’t a sexual lover. However, the relationship lacked depth where he was thinking of our future together I was always looking for something more – something else. I used him as a crutch because of limiting beliefs stemming from my previous relationship. There was a lot of miscommunication. A lot of negative communication here. But because of my neediness (this comes from an overactive heart chakra) my sense of loneliness allowed me to stay in a relationship I did not nor needed to be in for two years. He also had a temper which never resulted in him hitting me but hitting other things – throwing things etc. There were also instances where he would emotionally guilt me into feeling sorry for him which played on my empathy and made me tell myself it was okay to stay because he needed me. I saw many times in this relationship when I would try and have a clean break but the energy would continue to suck me back in.

Clean your energy out.

My next relationship started almost immediately after since I was talking to the guy while still in my previous relationship. This started the relationship off completely wrong. The foundation for it was never really built (none of my relationships really were solid) because it wasn’t built on trust we began our relationship while we were both already in relationships. This resulted in a lack of trust and blatant disrespect for each other. This relationship was not only mentally and emotionally abusive but also physical at times. For some reason the poor me drama in me actually never saw anything wrong with this until people started to notice it. In fact at times I thought all of these negative responses meant he actually really cared about me. Media (especially black media) rarely shows us what a healthy relationship should look like. The cursing each other out the little play fights that get a little too serious but result in lovemaking is all stuff I had seen on TV I thought this was the ideal relationship. He would put me down call me names for past sexual encounters, tell me I didn’t have any friends, tell me that he was the only one looking out for me. This pulling energy hooked me. It dominated me. It overshadowed me. It got to the point where I always felt like I was saying or doing the wrong thing. It resulted in extreme anxiety. Limiting beliefs I still struggle with, someone telling you that your art sucks and that your trash and then telling you they love you is very confusing. I began to internalize all of this. Then there was the constant ignoring me thing he would do – where he wouldn’t talk to me for weeks he’d disappear then reappear and say things like I was testing you. Or I was trying to give you what you wanted. He would constantly compare me to past girlfriends. The sex became a game it became our only form of communication. He was mad at me – sex would make it up. He was yelling at me calling me names – sex would make it up. It became about control. For him and me. Its still shocking to me that I never thought about how toxic the relationship was. It got physical a few times. He got mad he would choke me, he would slap me, he would hold me down until I convinced him I was sorry. I remember cetain things like we would be in the car and something would make him mad something I said or didn’t say because I was scared to say the wrong thing and he would pull over tell me to get out or would drag me out the car. Or times he was somad he grabbed me by the hair and pulled so hard he actually ripped my hair out.

I was blinded. I’m not sure by what or why but I was. I’ve always been the type of person that has to go through hardships to learn but I’m beginning to look back at these experiences so I can stop repeating them.

I saw all this to say protect yourself. Protect your energy.

It took me a year and a half to realize I didn’t deserve this kind of treatment and for me to finally walk away. This give and pull type of energy can be very alluring to some (it was to me) and again I believed the more he behaved this way the more he cared and it was his way of showing he loved me.

That isn’t love. None of it. I am still clearing out energy. And realizing how much I have internalized and held onto in terms of energy and manifestation of thoughts in my life. I am still finding the lessons I needed to learn from all of these men. I’ve learned what I need sexually, what I need emotionally, mentally, spiritually. What I deserve and what I don’t deserve. I’ve grounded myself in myself because of these experiences. It wasn’t always easy. I began to close myself off from my emotions. I began to not listen to myself or my intuition instead listening to what these men told me and treating myself and my feelings with the same disregard as they did. For along time I was detached and cold and would not allow myself to feel because I had felt so many negative emotions (closed heart chakra) my relationship with myself is one I am still working on. My heart chakra some days is still close off and that scares me.

I’m learning my emotions all over again. Listening to them listening to myself. I am working on self healing. Using crystals, meditation, being conscious of my thoughts, practicing yoga. Realizing that I am love and do not need anyone else’s love. I still deal with the hurt, doubt and limiting beliefs but hopefully this will help me to begin to heal some of these things through testimony.

What have you learned from past relationships? How do you clear out energy and heal yourself once a relationship doesn’t serve you anymore?

Lets talk!

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