10th Insight : Book Review

Personal Opinion: this book is not as good as the Celestine Prophecy but it is still a good read.

It follows the same character (who is never named) on a journey in this valley to stop this energy harnessing experiment. It focuses on only one insight instead if nine like in the first book but for me I think the first book explained the insights in more clarity than this one insight. The 10th insight is all about the spirit world and being in tune with your ancestors and your soul group. It is all about realizing your souls purpose – the purpose you have here on earth and standing in the knowing of who you are and all your truths.

The adventure isn’t as fast paced as in the Celestine Prophecy but it is still a journey and an adventure. It did provide me personally with a lot of insight. That we are all growing souls – that no one is the enemy but is worthy and deserving of love. This doesn’t mean that some people aren’t toxic but just acknowledging that we are all put on this earth having positive intentions and that it is “FEAR” that makes some people do “bad” things.

It is about raising your vibration and your energy and staying aligned. the-tenth-insight

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My Story

February 2,2015 I got an abortion. I was fresh out of an abusive relationship I was sleeping around a lot not making many connections. Living in the physical. Owning my sexuality for once not caring about numbers, or soul ties or attachment. Just simply doing and not being. I thought I felt alive.

And then I met someone who I actually liked who I wanted to be with but who wasn’t really ready for a relationship and I wasn’t either but again I was on a physical plane not really thinking. And then I was pregnant. I remember telling my roommate that my body felt different. I knew before I knew. And I wanted to keep it to myself to keep a secret. Sometimes I wish I had. Because I never gave myself time to process what being pregnant even meant or would mean tome. I remember telling him that night. Questions of is it mine. Was I sure. It was cold. It was a cold December night.

I was scared but in the beginning I was so sure I wanted to keep her. I was so sure. I took a lot of baths I sang to her. I hummed to her. I don’t know when or how the idea of an abortion came in. But it did. Listening to other people more than myself taking in everyone else’s feelings but my own. I didn’t trust myself. I didn’t lean in my own understanding. And I remember the day he broke down in his moms apartment telling me he wasn’t ready that he couldn’t do it. By then I had disassociated myself. I could feel you growing. I could feel my body changing. My breasts swelling. But everything was physical. I gave in. I gave up.

It was Christmas. I sang silent night to my stomach rubbing in a dark bathroom in the tub. Cause baths have always been my sacred place. Water had always felt safe. We had went driving around the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights – I was holding my two month old niece in the backseat. On the phone. In the infatuation stage. Not taking this life energy serious. A lot of different men were still trying to get at me. I was high and giddy off the fleetness that life is at 22.

Three different trips to the clinic and I should’ve known the way we put it off until I almost couldn’t have the operation because I was too far along. It rained all three times on the way there. I know now I should’ve seen this as a sign. One time I had woke up and had ginger ale before going- you’re not supposed to eat or drink anything after a certain time before.  Girls at the clinic asked if I was sure if I wanted the baby gone. I wasn’t. 9 weeks in. And you were already making yourself known. Morning sickness and barley able to keep anything down. I had an ultrasound – I saw you.

The day of the operation. I was nervous. The guy I was with picked me up. Red car. His friend was in the car too, he dropped him off. He was high. It was dark still the sun hadn’t came up. I didn’t talk a lot the ride there. When we got there I checked in. They take you in a back room alone. You change your clothes. They put an IV in you and your body gets cold – you are given a heated blanket to keep it at bay – other woman sit with you in the dim hallway waiting for their turn. On woman asked me how old I was because I  looked so young. She asked if it was my first. She told me she had two other kids already but couldn’t afford a third. You walk into the room you get on the table people all around. By this time your thoughts are hazy. My thoughts were hazy. And then I was asleep – sleeping through not feeling anything. And then woken up feeling sick throwing up. Getting my prescription waiting for the car to come around. Feeling weak. Tripping. Needing help into the car. Forgetting how to walk. One foot in front of the other.

I slept mostly on the way back. I slept mostly for three days. In a daze. Laying in bed. I became extremely attached. I never wanted to be alone. I was angry. I was sad. I was emotionless and emotional.

I slept with a heating pad because it felt better. I still wasn’t eating a lot. I was drinking a lot. Smoking a lot. Partying. I remember one day specifically I went to the mall with my sister and niece and my sister asking me what had a spilt on my sweatshirt. I was lactating. A week after my abortion I was lactating at the mall. My body releasing the last bit I had left from being pregnant. I did my best to cover up all the “bad” feelings I had from the abortion. I cried. I wrote poems about it. But I never forgave myself. I didn’t talk about it. And my friends didn’t because I think they knew more than I did how much I was really bothered.

It took me along time to get to this point to admit to myself that I made this decision. For along time I would say to myself it was a miscarriage but it wasn’t. It took me along time to think about the reasons why I had an abortion. My conflicted relationship with my own mother – never really feeling close or understood by her. Never feeling wanted as a child. Being molested at nine. I never gave myself any real chance. I never gave my first child any real chance. I thought my parents would disown me that they wouldn’t and couldn’t love me because I felt this way already. I know my mother has had bad relationships with men but no details. I think mothers should tell their daughters about their relationship experiences. That they should tell them about love and what it has meant to them as they’ve gone through breakups.

I say this to say – I hope someone some girl one day who is scared and pregnant that I can talk to her. Hug her. Tell her everything will work out if she puts trust in herself and the universe. I hope one day I can tell my daughter about this. That we will be able to heal each other from my own experiences. For all the mothers out there talk your daughters but also really listen not only to what they say but their body language as well. I’m not saying abortions are wrong – but it was wrong for me. Opening up is my first step to healing. And I can only hope this resonates with some of you.

Thank you. IMG_4037.JPG

 

 

 

November 9, 2016 

The past two days I have been completely calm so when I woke up at 5 am this morning feeling super anxious I knew trump had won before I even looked at msn or social media. After I worked through my feelings of being anxious and even a little scared. I was not sad. In fact I felt a sense of strength, of unity. I felt a rising. A sense of pride. Now more than ever we all need to follow love. Follow intuition and follow our hearts. Meditate. Listen to your spirit and do what is needed to come together as one. Do not live in fear. Do not give into fear. Stay aligned with yourself. Know that the universe always has a reason always has a plan and we will all be okay. 
Peace and light 

Cactus Quartz

Cactus Quartz is a crystal I was introduced to a year ago when I went to crystal blues for the first time. They were in an enclosed case and besides being super sparkly and pretty the energy of the crystal just seemed to call me. It is apart of the Quartz family and is often called the spirit Quartz or fairy Quartz.  

When I first got this crystal I relied on it heavily. I would sleep with it under my pillow. I would carry it with my everywhere in my bag or this little knit pouch I used as a wallet.  

Anyway, let’s look at the properties. Cactus Quartz shields the aura it removes psychic debris. Protects against psychic attack and entity attachments. It revitalizes prana and dissolves blocked energy. It also improves your ability to see and communicate with faeries and those of the spirit world. It also specifically helps negate fear (which is what I was using it for) it will keep fearful thoughts away and help you to not respond fearfully when being courageous. 

Discovered in South Africa these crystals are often characterized by tiny Druze crystals covering or surrounding a larger point. It fosters unity,peace, and the ability to work together. It stimulates the physical, intellectual, spiritual, emotional bodies. It heightens the experience of astral travel, shamanic journeying, dream work, re birthing, and mediation. It is beneficial to groups, communities and families. It opens and cleanses all chakras but is associated with the crown chakra. It is a protective stone and dispels negative energy as well as protects the carrier from physical harm. It brings a sense of calm and peace. 

I still use my spirit quartz’s when I am feeling fearful or overwhelmed. They are a great addition to any collection. However, they are semi rare. So if you find one that aligns with you get it!   Here are the two that I posses in my collection. They do look very different and I feel a stronger energy from the first one. Which is also the first cactus Quartz I ever came in contact with. 

Confessions

Lately, I have been working on clearing out my heart chakra this has brought up past relationships into a new light. I have always been a very sensitive person – I definitely give more in relationships than I take. This isn’t  necessarily a bad thing. However, I am realizing that I’ve often moved from one romantic relationship to the next not allowing myself to fully process energy left over from sex and also just from the relationship in general.

I have not been completely single not talking to anyone etc. since I was seventeen. I’m 24. My adlolence and young adult life has been filled with so much energy that I didn’t even realize was pent up. So many negative emotions and limiting beliefs from each relationship that affect my thoughts and my conscious and subconscious beliefs about myself. These negative emotions also affect how I look at relationships and love and how I process both of these ideas.

By far my last relationship taught me the most and is continuing to teach me lessons that I am still learning. I thought it would be beneficial to myself (and hopefully would help others too) for me to talk about some of the left over energy/emotions from some of my past relationships in detail as well as my experiences from a few different men.

I’m going to start with the ex boyfriend who was the first person I had sex with. The relationship was extremely immature. We were eighteen just starting college. I instantly became attached to him. There was a feeling of loss and not being enough that I still feel to this day. This boyfriend I had was a very selfish lover. And at the time his selfishness did not bother me. He did not perform oral sex but wanted it performed on him. At the awakening of my physical sexual self this was detrimental because it made me feel as if I wasn’t worthy- or something was wrong with me. This boyfriend was also very into looks and would say things like I needed a boob job, and had girls who were more endowed than I was plastered to his dorm room walls. There was a lot of immature communication, lack of trust, lack of understanding in this relationship that I never fully cleared and never really thought of. Till this day though I am still extremely self conscious about my chest size. This relationship did teach me though in terms of what to look for and my needs in a sexual relationship and putting those needs out there to be met instead of just accepting it as what it was.  This relationship had a pregnancy scare that later added to its swift ending. This also taught me that I could be and feel more serious emotions for someone than they could for me. Which is something I still struggle with as a insecurity in terms of always feeling like I might care more than the person I am dating.

My next relationship I completely jumped the gun into. I wasn’t over my ex I hadn’t fully processed sexual energy or the attachment that can come with it. This relationship had many downs and some ups. In this relationship I believe I settled. Again I was 18 – 20 here and I wasn’t fully sexually liberated I was just starting out I didn’t really know my wants or needs in a guy or in a relationship. There wasn’t a big attraction here. But the sex was better in terms of he wasn’t a sexual lover. However, the relationship lacked depth where he was thinking of our future together I was always looking for something more – something else. I used him as a crutch because of limiting beliefs stemming from my previous relationship. There was a lot of miscommunication. A lot of negative communication here. But because of my neediness (this comes from an overactive heart chakra) my sense of loneliness allowed me to stay in a relationship I did not nor needed to be in for two years. He also had a temper which never resulted in him hitting me but hitting other things – throwing things etc. There were also instances where he would emotionally guilt me into feeling sorry for him which played on my empathy and made me tell myself it was okay to stay because he needed me. I saw many times in this relationship when I would try and have a clean break but the energy would continue to suck me back in.

Clean your energy out.

My next relationship started almost immediately after since I was talking to the guy while still in my previous relationship. This started the relationship off completely wrong. The foundation for it was never really built (none of my relationships really were solid) because it wasn’t built on trust we began our relationship while we were both already in relationships. This resulted in a lack of trust and blatant disrespect for each other. This relationship was not only mentally and emotionally abusive but also physical at times. For some reason the poor me drama in me actually never saw anything wrong with this until people started to notice it. In fact at times I thought all of these negative responses meant he actually really cared about me. Media (especially black media) rarely shows us what a healthy relationship should look like. The cursing each other out the little play fights that get a little too serious but result in lovemaking is all stuff I had seen on TV I thought this was the ideal relationship. He would put me down call me names for past sexual encounters, tell me I didn’t have any friends, tell me that he was the only one looking out for me. This pulling energy hooked me. It dominated me. It overshadowed me. It got to the point where I always felt like I was saying or doing the wrong thing. It resulted in extreme anxiety. Limiting beliefs I still struggle with, someone telling you that your art sucks and that your trash and then telling you they love you is very confusing. I began to internalize all of this. Then there was the constant ignoring me thing he would do – where he wouldn’t talk to me for weeks he’d disappear then reappear and say things like I was testing you. Or I was trying to give you what you wanted. He would constantly compare me to past girlfriends. The sex became a game it became our only form of communication. He was mad at me – sex would make it up. He was yelling at me calling me names – sex would make it up. It became about control. For him and me. Its still shocking to me that I never thought about how toxic the relationship was. It got physical a few times. He got mad he would choke me, he would slap me, he would hold me down until I convinced him I was sorry. I remember cetain things like we would be in the car and something would make him mad something I said or didn’t say because I was scared to say the wrong thing and he would pull over tell me to get out or would drag me out the car. Or times he was somad he grabbed me by the hair and pulled so hard he actually ripped my hair out.

I was blinded. I’m not sure by what or why but I was. I’ve always been the type of person that has to go through hardships to learn but I’m beginning to look back at these experiences so I can stop repeating them.

I saw all this to say protect yourself. Protect your energy.

It took me a year and a half to realize I didn’t deserve this kind of treatment and for me to finally walk away. This give and pull type of energy can be very alluring to some (it was to me) and again I believed the more he behaved this way the more he cared and it was his way of showing he loved me.

That isn’t love. None of it. I am still clearing out energy. And realizing how much I have internalized and held onto in terms of energy and manifestation of thoughts in my life. I am still finding the lessons I needed to learn from all of these men. I’ve learned what I need sexually, what I need emotionally, mentally, spiritually. What I deserve and what I don’t deserve. I’ve grounded myself in myself because of these experiences. It wasn’t always easy. I began to close myself off from my emotions. I began to not listen to myself or my intuition instead listening to what these men told me and treating myself and my feelings with the same disregard as they did. For along time I was detached and cold and would not allow myself to feel because I had felt so many negative emotions (closed heart chakra) my relationship with myself is one I am still working on. My heart chakra some days is still close off and that scares me.

I’m learning my emotions all over again. Listening to them listening to myself. I am working on self healing. Using crystals, meditation, being conscious of my thoughts, practicing yoga. Realizing that I am love and do not need anyone else’s love. I still deal with the hurt, doubt and limiting beliefs but hopefully this will help me to begin to heal some of these things through testimony.

What have you learned from past relationships? How do you clear out energy and heal yourself once a relationship doesn’t serve you anymore?

Lets talk!

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Venus Signs

Your Venus sign is all about love. Essentially it is the planet of affection and also the planet of feminine energy. It is also the planet of beauty and pleasure. It represents ones relation to feel and express beauty and affection. Ones ability to attract and appreciate the beauty of the world and others whether it is emotional, physical, mental or spiritual things. It defines the type of people that are drawn to you as well as the type of people that you are drawn to. This magnetic attraction is based on social values. Things ruled by this planet and whatever sign on your own natal chart that is linked to it are:

  • ones sensuality
  • ones sex appeal
  • beauty
  • love affairs
  • the arts
  • harmony
  • friendship

The position of your Venus sign can answer questions such as “What kind of lovers do I attract”? “What are my basic loving needs I need in a relationship”? It also indicates your attitude toward money and personal possessions. What you will and wont spend your money on. Your Venus sign also reveals your idea of “the woman.” In a male’s chart, the Venus sign indicates the type of woman that he finds attractive. In a woman’s chart, the Venus sign indicates the qualities that she uses to attract lovers. The house position of Venus indicates the type of people with whom you establish relationships, both friendships and romances. Venus doesn’t travels far from the Sun. In your horoscope, it is always either in your Sun sign or in one of the two signs immediately preceding or following your Sun sign. Venus bestows charm, diplomacy, and tact. Some negative manifestations of Venus are self-indulgence, jealousy, envy, lust, and of course, unfaithfulness.4089def9e4ce2b1c408532ed6d7613c2