Small Blues 

Yesterday was hard. 

I made a commitment to myself to faithfully practice yoga every day this month it’s one that I’ve stuck with. But commitments have always been hard for me. I usually give up or get lazy. My spirit isn’t in it. But I know I need these 15 minutes every day to focus on my breathing to look within to stop my wandering mind. 

Yesterday was hard because after an evening spent with friends I felt really off. Irritated. Annoyed. I think my mental hit a block and my spiritual got tangled in it. I just didn’t feel like being around anyone or talking to anyone. And I let myself feel those feelings instead of ignoring or fighting them. I forget sometimes how much I’ve gone through this year. How much change has happened in such a short amount of time. I’m learning to be patient. To be still. With myself, with my daughter, with my growth and with my healing. 

In a world of things being readily available. This isn’t instant. Nothing could have prepared me for motherhood. The acts of trying to heal my womb and my root chakra. To uncover and heal instances from my childhood. This is work. This is hard. It’s not a struggle. No. Life isn’t meant to be a struggle or hard even. 

What I guess I’m trying to say is I’m going through growing pains. And spending the evening with 7 of my friends who don’t have kids whose worries are more along the lines of finding a job and moving back in with their parents after graduation. 

I realized that I am an adult. Being a mom at 24 made me grow up. I don’t have another home like most college kids who live on campus. I pay bills. I take care of a whole being that is not myself. And sitting there I got irritated with the way my friendships are now. The insecurity that my worries aren’t relatable to my friends anymore. That nothing I’m doing or growing through is relatable to my friends. Isolated. 

I’m not sure what to do about that. But today I know what I’m feeling and why and yesterday I just knew irritation. I know what God has planned. That I will not fail. I have faith in the universe. In its laws. 

I’m hard on myself. But I’m realizing that going through a pregnancy, through giving birth, a c section. Things I just couldn’t see myself doing. Are in the past. And now I need to stop I need to still my mind and meditate a little bit on my life. 

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

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