Small Blues 

Yesterday was hard. 

I made a commitment to myself to faithfully practice yoga every day this month it’s one that I’ve stuck with. But commitments have always been hard for me. I usually give up or get lazy. My spirit isn’t in it. But I know I need these 15 minutes every day to focus on my breathing to look within to stop my wandering mind. 

Yesterday was hard because after an evening spent with friends I felt really off. Irritated. Annoyed. I think my mental hit a block and my spiritual got tangled in it. I just didn’t feel like being around anyone or talking to anyone. And I let myself feel those feelings instead of ignoring or fighting them. I forget sometimes how much I’ve gone through this year. How much change has happened in such a short amount of time. I’m learning to be patient. To be still. With myself, with my daughter, with my growth and with my healing. 

In a world of things being readily available. This isn’t instant. Nothing could have prepared me for motherhood. The acts of trying to heal my womb and my root chakra. To uncover and heal instances from my childhood. This is work. This is hard. It’s not a struggle. No. Life isn’t meant to be a struggle or hard even. 

What I guess I’m trying to say is I’m going through growing pains. And spending the evening with 7 of my friends who don’t have kids whose worries are more along the lines of finding a job and moving back in with their parents after graduation. 

I realized that I am an adult. Being a mom at 24 made me grow up. I don’t have another home like most college kids who live on campus. I pay bills. I take care of a whole being that is not myself. And sitting there I got irritated with the way my friendships are now. The insecurity that my worries aren’t relatable to my friends anymore. That nothing I’m doing or growing through is relatable to my friends. Isolated. 

I’m not sure what to do about that. But today I know what I’m feeling and why and yesterday I just knew irritation. I know what God has planned. That I will not fail. I have faith in the universe. In its laws. 

I’m hard on myself. But I’m realizing that going through a pregnancy, through giving birth, a c section. Things I just couldn’t see myself doing. Are in the past. And now I need to stop I need to still my mind and meditate a little bit on my life. 

Breathe in. Breathe out. 

Being an artist has not been an easy journey or even label – definition of my life. Or whatever. I’m always worrying about if my painting is good enough or if I’m even doing “art” right. It’s a constant struggle between myself and … My anxiety. And it’s one I’ve been losing for along time. I had a minor breakthrough with it over the summer when I took watercolor. I did have anxiety but I managed to go to class everyday but once. And to do all my work and participate in all the critiques something I have never been able to do in a studio class. And the result was that I got a B. I improved a lot and I had more confidence in myself and as an artist than ever before. But now taking acrylic painting and it being a full semester my anxiety is worse than ever and I’m hating ever single painting that I do. I’ve missed class once already and a painting I have due tomorrow for a small critique I’m hating. I don’t want to show it to anyone let alone the whole class for comments. I’m scared. And I’m not afraid to admit that but what’s worse is how I’m allowing this fear to push me into fleeing instead of pushing me into working harder and pushing myself to finish to go to class even if I hate my painting and think it sucks. Being an artist is hard enough. People may not understand my message, what I’m trying to do or even like what I make. But I need to like it. I need to have my own back but I’m not sure how. I’m afraid that this semester my anxiety and my fear will win again. 

Anxiety has been controlling my life lately. Most days I’m trying not to think about my anxiety. Trying not to have thoughts about what people may think about me or if I’m doing something right. Am I cool enough. Am I being perceived the way I want to be perceived. It can get overwhelming. I started spiritually trying to “put myself back together” a few months back and even that got overwhelming I didn’t feel calm enough, unbothered enough, positive enough. 

Having a baby a lot of times I feel out of the loop. Even with myself. Im still in my 10th month I guess. Postpartum hasn’t been easy. It has been the middle ground of trying to be who I was before the baby and who I am now. In away when I had Sage I also gave birth to myself. A new woman. And I’m still working her out. Still not sure who or what I want to be. 

With my anxiety the space between who I am now who I was before and who I want to be just seems to be growing more and more. And I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure what I’m doing. But I’m trying to just take it one day at a time. 

Good Parenting 

Motherhood like everything else in life has highs and lows. However, sadly there is a standard a grading system of what “good” parenting looks like. I’ve struggled with this idea myself (and still do) I’m not sure what the rules are for good parenting. Am I graded by my performance day by day? Do I get a gold star some days and just okay days on others? Do I get extra points if I read all the characters in the books at story-time with different voices? I don’t know what exactly “good” parenting is but I know what it looks like. 

These days with social media and more and more people becoming aware of the magic that is in creating life- birthing and everything that comes with it. Things like baby wearing, and breastfeeding and all the ethnic things that are essentially African in culture that are somehow becoming whitewashed by social media it’s daunting tryin to fit in as a young black mother. 

I promise you my life is not an Instagram feed. There are days were I feel like supermom and days were I feel like the most shittiest parent on earth. I’ve had to learn that, that is okay. 

Because come on now. Even when people put on Instagram how they feel at their lowest lows there is always a little truth we are hiding when it comes to parenting. 

You’re never “ready” to have kids. Not a million parenting classes will prepare you for what parenting actually is. 

It is a practice. A constant day by day. Minute by minute process. 

I don’t even know what I’m trying to say but. Motherhood is hard. And I might sound like a whining baby. But I can’t promise I’ll be like the mothers on Instagram that I spend hours scrolling through their feeds. I can’t promise I won’t fail my child at times. 

 I can’t promise anything. I’m not doing “good” parenting. Good parenting is fake. I’m taking this all in. 

Spiritual journey 

I’m not sure when I realized that I was a spiritual being. I grew up like most African American children in the church. And it wasn’t until my teen years that I started to shy away from the church. Church never really seemed like home to me though. I dreaded going to church- the long hours in choir practice. The presentation of good appearance. 

At 14, I began to have dreams that were more like nightmares. Exaggerated tales of family members dying. I remember once I had a dream that my brother was killed by a troll like figure. Waking up scared and crying because of how close death had felt. Only to have a phone call wake up my father and a cousin tell him that his grandmother had died. This was my first encounter with my spiritual self that I was aware of. Many years went by and I lost it like most rainbow children the we live in the world never thinking to denounce what our peers are doing or what is seen as cool. 

I do remember as a kid being extremely shy – wanting to please others but not knowing how. And being extremely conscious of my being and how others thought of me. I collected rocks in an old Altoids tin along with small green circular magnets. I was probably the most intune with myself from the ages of 5-14. But it was subconscious knowing. 

The past 5 years I have been in constant dialogue with myself growing, healing, sometimes only for a season feeling such a strong pull in my spirit during retrogrades to fix something to better something inside me. The past year I have made this pull a constant to where I am always healing inner deamons, healing myself from past sexual encounters. Cleaning out and taking back my womb- my root chakra. My spirit. 

Scent has always been my most used sense. I can remember the way bread smelled from the street factory that was down the block in Chicago where I lived 10 years ago. So, naturally I’ve always been attracted to candles. I remember my dad having a incense holder when we were kids burnin incense and the way the smoke would rise and fill my parents bedroom. The box was always off limits. 

It wasn’t until college that I remembered this. And bought my own incense holder and began the daily use of incense burning that I still use today. I wasn’t aware though of the benefits and how beneficial incense is to clearing negative energy. Or even how beneficial smell and scent would and can be to a personal spiritual journey. 

Other than incense. I always had a strong urge to practice yoga but not until recently have I taken it seriously. There is something so calming in paying attention to my own breath the way my body rises and falls – being aware of inner workings. 

Two years ago I got heavy into crystals I’m still very heavy into them in terms of my own healing. I almost always am caring a rose quartz with me. I’m always reading about spiritual elements. Healing chakras. How to raise aligned children, crystal healing, herbal medicine, yogic laws and rules, watching documentaries, reading spiritual books, meditating. Anything that brings your soul comfort and joy is a form of meditating. I’m always researching and looking for more but also focusing on the things I know now that are healing my spirit. I’m healing myself so I can heal my family so I can heal other woman and girls. I still have along way to go but we are all higher beings we all vibrate at the highest high and the lowest low some days some moments. I feel alittle clearer and a little lighter each day as I shed not only my personal demons but the hurt and pain of my ancestors too. 

Root Chakra: Update

A few weeks ago I started the healing process for my root chakra and wanted to update on my progress! I’m doing a yoga challenge this month to practice daily that is one thing I believe will help me with balancing all my chakras but there are specific yoga poses that pair with each chakra. I haven’t exactly had a breakthrough or lightbulb – spiritual moment that I’ve been hoping (and still waiting) for but I’m sure it will happen one day. I am however making it a paint to be one with nature since the root chakra is closely associated with rooting yourself and grounding yourself literally to Mother Earth. I make it a point to walk barefoot through grass, dirt as much as possible and to imagine roots forming from the soles of my feet and going into the earth. Also when I’m outside I allow myself to take in and notice nature to be present and involved with looking and feeling nature. I also sit in goddess pose a lot during the day to open up my hips since the lower back / abdomen is were the root chakra is. All of these things are allowing me to be more aware and is allowing me to actively heal and be in constant dialogue with myself and my root chakra. I’ve yet to move on to the sacral chakra because I feel like my breath though hasn’t happened. But just taking this process one day at a time. 

How do you get in touch with your root chakra? Are your chakras aligned? 

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