Anxiety has been controlling my life lately. Most days I’m trying not to think about my anxiety. Trying not to have thoughts about what people may think about me or if I’m doing something right. Am I cool enough. Am I being perceived the way I want to be perceived. It can get overwhelming. I started spiritually trying to “put myself back together” a few months back and even that got overwhelming I didn’t feel calm enough, unbothered enough, positive enough.
Having a baby a lot of times I feel out of the loop. Even with myself. Im still in my 10th month I guess. Postpartum hasn’t been easy. It has been the middle ground of trying to be who I was before the baby and who I am now. In away when I had Sage I also gave birth to myself. A new woman. And I’m still working her out. Still not sure who or what I want to be.
With my anxiety the space between who I am now who I was before and who I want to be just seems to be growing more and more. And I’m not sure what to do. I’m not sure what I’m doing. But I’m trying to just take it one day at a time.
Motherhood like everything else in life has highs and lows. However, sadly there is a standard a grading system of what “good” parenting looks like. I’ve struggled with this idea myself (and still do) I’m not sure what the rules are for good parenting. Am I graded by my performance day by day? Do I get a gold star some days and just okay days on others? Do I get extra points if I read all the characters in the books at story-time with different voices? I don’t know what exactly “good” parenting is but I know what it looks like.
These days with social media and more and more people becoming aware of the magic that is in creating life- birthing and everything that comes with it. Things like baby wearing, and breastfeeding and all the ethnic things that are essentially African in culture that are somehow becoming whitewashed by social media it’s daunting tryin to fit in as a young black mother.
I promise you my life is not an Instagram feed. There are days were I feel like supermom and days were I feel like the most shittiest parent on earth. I’ve had to learn that, that is okay.
Because come on now. Even when people put on Instagram how they feel at their lowest lows there is always a little truth we are hiding when it comes to parenting.
You’re never “ready” to have kids. Not a million parenting classes will prepare you for what parenting actually is.
It is a practice. A constant day by day. Minute by minute process.
I don’t even know what I’m trying to say but. Motherhood is hard. And I might sound like a whining baby. But I can’t promise I’ll be like the mothers on Instagram that I spend hours scrolling through their feeds. I can’t promise I won’t fail my child at times.
I can’t promise anything. I’m not doing “good” parenting. Good parenting is fake. I’m taking this all in.