After having a conversation with my boyfriend today I became distant. I wanted to close myself off. Already from meditating I can see how this clearing of my root chakra is going to go. It’s going to unnerve me it is going to make me question and think and call myself out on my bullshit.
Afraid of being replaced. Afraid of my daughter having a more important connection to her grandmother or aunt. I’m afraid of her wanting to be with someone instead of me of confinding in someone other than me. My relationship with my own mother is one that is in a stage of healing. It is a relationship that I need to meditate on and figure out how and why our connection isn’t as strong as it should be. And the lack of connection to my own mother makes me fearful when it comes to my daughter.
I also realized today that I hold onto anger that I have towards people and it is really anger that I have towards myself and those closest to me for a decision I made last year that still haunts me.
I haven’t forgiven myself. My body hasn’t forgiven me.
Anger is the only thing I feel like I can have. The only thing that keeps me from breaking down and crying every day.
Do I want to be angry or do I want to be sad?
It is this uprooting of myself and my truths a year ago that is blinding me. Clouding my judgment and allowing me to react negatively to people who I see as a threat when it comes to my daughter and my sense of self.
This is hard. It’s hard for me to look at myself with judging eyes. To tell myself to be patient with self. To let it out and cry. So, today I decided to replace anger with sadness so that maybe I can begin to replace sadness with happiness.