Not having a period for a year then suddenly getting it back is weird. But it’s the good kind of weird like cheddar and caramel popcorn.I used to hate my cycle. I started like most girls at 13. And wasn’t really educated about the the power that is in having a cycle. Or even the importance of having a cycle at all. Who knew a women actually needed this? I used to count the days till it was over. And I was dramatic about not being a friend to my cycle.
Once in high school I felt so uncomfortable my cramps hurt so bad that I started crying and my mom picked me up from school.
I never took the time to look up the magic in a cycle. The actual cycle part of an egg leaving out and not being fertilized. I still don’t know much. I’m learning though to love and research the parts of me I have shamed and neglected. To know my body from the inside. What it needs to feel good, what it needs to thrive. While my body was creating life I didn’t need a cycle. Since sage has been born though I have felt incomplete in some ways like part of me is missing and I finally realize it was this.
Now being without it for so long. Having my cycle is like welcoming back an old friend. I really do feel balanced out. I feel lighter than I have in days, in weeks and months even.
I just feel like my blood is leaving and love is filling in its place. My baby is growing I’m growing. I feel good.
Yesterday we got up at 2 left by 2:30 to get to the Atlanta airport. The baggage guy outside was rude as hell. We tried to wait in line to get a gust pass for my boyfriend to walk through security with me even though he wasn’t flying. The line was too long. My anxiety was at 100%. Sweaty palms. Sweaty everything. And anxiety sweat smells different than regular sweat. Security was bad because both my license and my military ID are expired. I had to show my credit cards and then my Medicaid card just to get through. Then I had to get patted down twice since Sage was in a wrap. Sage was looking at the lady who patted us down confused trying to figure out what was going on. My boyfriend stood outside of security watching the whole thing looking concerned hands above his head (but making me realize again why I love him so much). The train I stood up with sage, got off at C. Found my gate C21 and waited to board the plane. The whole time I was on the train I was on the phone with my boyfriend – while we waited to board still on the phone (see how concerned he was). I sat in a window seat sage looked out the window then at takeoff I put her back in the wrap and she fell asleep. My anxiety disappeared. I looked out the window and watched the sunrise. I’ve never seen colors fade into others so smoothly. Blue a little green then yellow-orange. Sage woke up about an hour in. We watched the clouds together. We landed. I called my boyfriend. No accidents. No crying. Nothing. And my anxiety today is a little less because I can, I can. I can do anything.
On another note though my anxiety is steadily rising as Wednesday approaches. I’m going to Chicago with my 6 month old daughter alone. Without her father and I’m not only nervous but scared of being in the airport alone and being on the plane alone and having to … Parent I guess lol. I’m so used to always either being taken care of or taking care of sage in environments I’m entirely comfortable in. This is out of my element completely unnatural to me.
I’m terrified but I’m also excited because if (and parts of me knows I can) I can do this and not hyperventilate or fuck some shit up then this solo parent trip will give me so much confidence in myself. As a parent, as a mother as a newly 24 year old lol, adding more responsibility to myself. Saying look if I can do this then I can do this and this too.
Like this trip is seriously going to be so affirming if I can do it.
Reflecting on yesterday,
Yesterday was pretty intense as far as digging into myself and awknowleding where I need to work on myself. Worrying about who is right or wrong in situations placing blame will get me know where. Everyone has room for improvement including myself.
Anyway, after yesterday’s walk I took a trip to Home Depot so I could finally start my garden. There was this one plant in particular pineapple sage that I wanted to get but didn’t but my spirit is telling me to go back and get. The plants I did get were a tomato plant, lavender, and sweet basil.
As I was reading about root chakras and things I could do to help balance my root the one that stood out to me the most was gardening. Gardening is a hobby I’ve wanted to start for a long time and even had started last year when I was pregnant but I was so depressed that I didn’t care for the plants and they all died.
Anyway, gardening helps with balancing the root because the root chakra is associated with the earth literally a lot of helpful activities for balancing were just “go out into nature” but it’s more than that its consciously being aware of the nature and natural surroundings that I place myself into. It’s walking slow, breathing slowly in the clean air. Allowing myself to stop and see and feel.
I read Esperanza Rising, once when I was in high school and there was always this passage that stood out to me from the book. The main character Esperanza lays down in the earth- the unturned soil that her family works on- she stills herself and says she can feel the earths heartbeat.
To me that is grounding of the root chakra. Becoming one with nature. Feeling what nature feels.
After having a conversation with my boyfriend today I became distant. I wanted to close myself off. Already from meditating I can see how this clearing of my root chakra is going to go. It’s going to unnerve me it is going to make me question and think and call myself out on my bullshit.
Afraid of being replaced. Afraid of my daughter having a more important connection to her grandmother or aunt. I’m afraid of her wanting to be with someone instead of me of confinding in someone other than me. My relationship with my own mother is one that is in a stage of healing. It is a relationship that I need to meditate on and figure out how and why our connection isn’t as strong as it should be. And the lack of connection to my own mother makes me fearful when it comes to my daughter.
I also realized today that I hold onto anger that I have towards people and it is really anger that I have towards myself and those closest to me for a decision I made last year that still haunts me.
I haven’t forgiven myself. My body hasn’t forgiven me.
Anger is the only thing I feel like I can have. The only thing that keeps me from breaking down and crying every day.
Do I want to be angry or do I want to be sad?
It is this uprooting of myself and my truths a year ago that is blinding me. Clouding my judgment and allowing me to react negatively to people who I see as a threat when it comes to my daughter and my sense of self.
This is hard. It’s hard for me to look at myself with judging eyes. To tell myself to be patient with self. To let it out and cry. So, today I decided to replace anger with sadness so that maybe I can begin to replace sadness with happiness.
this morning as I meditated on yesterdays events and life in general I decided to start this opening, clearing and cleansing of all my chakras. for some time now ( a little over a year) I have felt disconnected from myself and the people around me. I have felt a disconnect from the universe. Each week – Sunday to Sunday- I am going to immerse myself into a different chakra. Learning, mediating – doing y best to heal myself from the inside. I want to journal my experiences and thoughts that I am going to have each week while journeying through this.
It’s Sunday. I’m starting with my root chakra since it is the first chakra and the chakra that grounds you. So far I have woken up. I have read book reviews on a few spirtual books I’m looking into purchasing. The whole time a nature, relaxing, calming music has been playing in the background. I have just now began to research the root chakra. I plan on doing yoga everyday during this journey and really digging into myself to clear out closed or cloudyness that lies in my chakras. It is important for me to document this journey for myself but hopefully it will resonate with you as well.
Before I birthed a daughter I knew her name. When I was a child my mom had this glass tablet like thing that was always in the kitchen. It had different herbs on it like: Rosemary,thyme, chives, tarragon, cilantro and of course sage. It had the names of the herbs and a little illustration of them. I remember then deciding that I loved the way the word sage sounded and felt on my tongue. And I knew then that if I ever had a daughter id name her as such. The word sage and I then didn’t run into each other again until I was turning 19 I believe I went to this summer fest in Atlanta and saw the Wailers perform. After my parents took me to this fancy authentic Italian spot. And I ordered this ravioli that came with a butter sauce and fried sage leaves. This was the first time I tasted sage the first time I saw sage leaves in person. Firstly, the taste of sage is not for everyone I think what hooked me was the smell and then the taste. My souls has always identified with the word sage, the smell felt just as good for my soul. And the taste omg to this day I still eat sage leaves. My family even recreated the fried sage leaves and brown butter sauce one summer after to eat. As I started my spiritual journey at 21, sage was everywhere it was burned, smudged. It was suddenly good for my health. And it’s scent was healing and the conscious connection I had deepened. But my subconscious always knew.
Anyway, I’m saying that my soul has always known even before I knew. That sage in every way -from naming my daughter sage to -burning sage incense and oils- will always be a big part of my being.